Roses are Red

Just when you think it’s safe to go out

There is a knock at your heart, tap, tap

Trepidation calls, bearing flowers

Roses, red like the blood flowing still

Through your veins to a stone cold  heart

Violets, deep blue as your eyes that weep

To remember the days without fear

Orchid, black reflecting your humour

‘Love me, love me not?’, petals shredded

Destroying the thing of beauty that

Once was your life. Stamens, yellow stain

Rough hands. Colours bleeding into one

Dull grey where once: yellow red, blue

Delicate stems, plain perfect blossom

Dismay brought you a bouquet. But why?

To remind you that he’s there. Tap tap

Just when you think it’s safe to go out.

I had to go to the supermarket this morning and, everywhere I looked, there were red hearts and roses, cards and chocolates and lovers strolling hand in hand. There is a feeling of romance in the air and, this year for some reason, I am not really dealing with it very well. So many tears today I just locked myself away and wrote this poem because I didn’t know what else to do.

Lisa x

 

Fear

Vile and loathsome creature, take your claws from my gut

Let go your hold. Leave me to walk alone, without you

Pulling me back, holding me close, whispering, despicable

Forcing my mind wide open to pour in foul imagery

You deplete strength, hope, will, leading me ever closer

To the edge. You push my thoughts, my body too far

You hold my hand, tight, but with cajoling, sweet voice

You await the moment, the final introduction, hello

Goodbye. You are merely the plaything, the precursor

To your master Death. You torture, he watches and waits

There is no joy in you, no frail link to those you torment

You are nothing. You have no purpose, no reason to be

And yet I continue to feed you, the beast that you are

Your cold breath on my spine, I want to beat you, begone

You are familiar, twisted friend. So many years together

Fighting. Why won’t you leave me? Please don’t leave me.

 

Lisa

x

One Step At A Time…

Do you have any phobias or fears that you know hold you back in some way or stop you from trying something that you’d really like to do? Mine has always been a fear of heights; three rungs up a ladder and my knees seem to liquefy and my stomach feels as though its full of butterflies…on speed!

Now, as I like to travel, I’ve had to conquer my fear of flying and, on the flight back from the UK I actually managed to look out of the window during take off and landing without having a fit of the heebie geebies. That gave me a bit more confidence, to the point that I started thinking  about jumping out of a plane (attached to someone who knows what they’re doing and with a parachute obviously); the thought no longer scared the crap out of me. Oddly, the fear is less when I’m 35,000 feet up in a plane than when I’m standing on a ladder…

One of my closest friends, Floriane, knows about this fear and does everything she can to support me and help me get over it, including taking a 4 hour round trip that should have included a bungee jump somewhere in the middle. After I went as white as a sheet and bottled out, having briefly glanced over the edge of the bridge into the abyss below, she didn’t complain or try to bully me into it, she just said ‘OK we’ll start smaller’.  From that point on, we have climbed stairs up to castle ramparts, walked along walls and generally taken every opportunity to get high…no wait that doesn’t sound right…high up maybe?

Anyway, yesterday we decided to take a walk in the mountains. It was a beautiful day, warm and sunny and, as we hadn’t seen each other for a couple of weeks, we had plenty to catch up on. We walked upwards and onwards and eventually reached the top and WOW!! What a view! Here, I took a couple of photos for you:

 

They can’t do justice to that view but they’ll give you an idea – the sea on one side and the Alps on the other, just amazing!

We carried on and came across an old fort with a wall all round it (I’m sure there’s a name for the particular construction but I have no idea what it is). I looked over the edge – OK no  problem – then Floriane proposed that I stand on the wall…hhhmmmmmmm. The drop was around 20 feet I suppose, I can’t be sure as I’m rubbish with estimated measurements (although, allegedly, men find this quite endearing) but, for me with my 3 rung issues, it was pretty damned high. What did I do?

I stood on the wall! I wasn’t particularly comfortable and I can’t say I enjoyed the experience but my knees remained in solid form and I felt pretty damned proud of myself. In terms of conquering this particular fear, it’s one step at a time (although, in the case of this particular construction, not literally…for obvious reasons ;O) )

What about you? Any fears that you’re trying to conquer right now? Let me know, I’d love to hear from you

Lisa

x

Putting on the Ritz….

Can I be honest with you? I didn’t want to say anything before in case I put the mockers on it but I really wasn’t looking forward to going back to the UK last week. Don’t get me wrong, I love to see my friends and family but I find that these trips bring lots of little anxieties that, when added together, leave me feeling more than a little stressed out….

I don’t really like to fly alone as I find it very boring and it’s not really socially acceptable to grab a strangers hand during a bout of turbulence! This time I had a window seat. I’d like to say that this was allocated by the airlines and was just bad luck (I really don’t like heights) but I’d reserved the seat myself; not enough attention paid or a sub-conscious choice? After establishing that the people in the seat next to me were not the chatty type I decided to close my eyes and pretend to be asleep whilst my stomach turned somersaults…..then something changed. I remembered that excitement has the same physical manifestations as fear. I looked out of the window during take-off and many times during the flight and, do you know what, it was incredible! For the first time I didn’t imagine myself plummeting to the ground and exploding in a ball of flame; I actually felt the excitement of flying…..

Another major cause for anxiety had been revisiting the places where my husband and I had spent a lot of time together and also meeting up with my step-daughter; I have wonderful, wonderful memories associated with both but, at the same time, they both bring pain because they are physical reminders that he’s no longer with me. This time I allowed the memories to come flooding back and accepted the tears that came with them. My step-daughter and I talked openly and honestly about our feelings; we didn’t put on false cheer but cried together, two souls understanding each other’s pain. We were closer in that moment than we had been for a long time and it was wonderful……..

Next I went to visit a dear friend. We were at school together so that will give you an idea of how many years we’ve known each other! She is one of the strongest, kindest people I know and she is battling a very rare type of brain tumour. We haven’t seen each other for a couple of years but all trepidation was put aside; it was as though we’d never been apart. We talked, laughed, reminisced and cried and it all felt totally natural and very, very special…….

Next: I’m not a huge fan of crowds but when my parents proposed that we spend the day in London I thought ‘why not’? I braved the tube and even the loos at the station (awful in case  you were wondering AND they charged 50p for the privilege!). We walked for a few minutes and arrived at The Ritz, there I saw the doorman in full livery which included a top hat. The thought went through my mind that he could make a great addition to a selfie (sad I know). Normally the thought would have left as quickly as it arrived but, on this day, I marched straight up to him and asked if he would mind being in a photo. He agreed readily and was absolutely charming to boot…….

Later on we walked past a jewelers in the Burlington Arcade where I was brought to an abrupt halt by a large diamond that flashed and twinkled at me in a very seductive manner. After forcibly prising my nose from the window, my Dad suggested that I should go in and ask the price as I was obviously so taken with it (was it the drool on my chin that gave it away do you think?). Now, let’s be clear at this point: there were no prices on anything in the window, and you know what they say about having to ask, and you couldn’t just walk in, you had to ring the bell and then wait to see if they liked the look of you. After umming and ahhrring for several moments I pushed the bell and, somewhat surprisingly they ushered me in with a warm smile. I asked to see the ring which was duly presented, with great reverence, on a cushion of black velvet. Ohhhh it was beautiful and a perfect fit so obviously we were meant to be together; I was in love….

It was a that moment that I noticed a very discreet price ticket. I had to read it a couple of times just to make sure that I hadn’t misplaced a decimal point but, no, it did actually say £29,500.00. Hmmmmm! So there I was in a locked shop wearing a ring that carried the same price tag as a small car…what to do? I looked up at the assistant and said very calmly

“It’s beautiful but honestly, now it’s on,  I think that it’s just a bit too flashy for my taste”

Yes, alright, it wasn’t exactly honest but I couldn’t bring myself to scream “how much”????? and then rip it off my finger as though it was a burning brand before storming out of the shop like the hounds of hell were at my heels. Instead I took the slightly duplicitous but altogether more elegant route. I said my goodbyes and the assistant remained utterly charming despite the fact that she hadn’t managed to part me from almost 30 grand in exchange for a small sparkly rock – sanity had prevailed.

I should point out that I have fallen prey to shop assistants in luxury stores before who have managed to separate me from my cash by using sneaky techniques like telling me I look wonderful in whatever it is they are trying to sell. Do you know what I mean? Standing in the shop, in front of the mirror, you are convinced that you will wear/use said item all the time – you get back home, wonder what on earth you were thinking and shove it to the back of the wardrobe where it glares at you reproachfully for ever more.

Anyway, that was my trip back to Blighty. There were smiles, laughs and tears but I am really glad I went; my comfort zone was expanded and I remembered what it was like to be me, without all the bad memories forcing me to put on a false front….

Have a wonderful day everyone and thanks for stopping by :O)

Lisa x

Time to Put on My Big Girl Panties…

One foot in, then the other and hoist! Hard! You know that your mental health is not what it should be when you start wishing that you were a fictional TV lawyer and your comfort zone feels like a prison; well, I say ‘ENOUGH!’ Sorry to yell like that but I need to be shouting this from the rooftops because I am getting on my own last nerve at the moment. When you don’t like your own company, you know it’s time for a change…

Instead of writing about the negative shit that I’ve been feeling lately (which I am sure contributes to the miseries), I am going to use this post to kick myself up the arse until I am back at the fork in the road again and can start walking on the path that leads to happiness. Here goes:

The only thing that stops you having the life you want is fear and what is fear? It’s nothing more than a chemical reaction to the pictures that your imagination creates. That’s the equivalent of being scared by a movie for God’s sake! The really daft thing about it is that you don’t even have to watch the movie, you’ve written the script and chosen the images so change them! You are not Mystic Meg, you have no idea what the future will bring: essentially, you are scared of something which does not yet exist…….

The headaches, tiredness, tension in your shoulders? All caused by stress and stress is nothing more than worrying about something that may or may not happen. How will that serve you? Life will throw things at you, both good and bad, deal with them head on. Don’t waste time analysing and over-thinking because that will change diddly squat; it’s your actions that matter.

The fluttering in your stomach, heart beating faster? Those are the physical manifestations of fear BUT they are also the physical manifestations of excitement; you get EXACTLY those feelings when you’re having the time of your life on a jet ski or a motorbike; accept them as such. You are not scared of meeting new people or having new experiences, you are excited by it!

If you meet someone new and they don’t like you,  so what? It doesn’t mean that you are not fundamentally likeable, it’s just that you haven’t made a good connection with another human being. Why worry about it, there are another 7.5 billion other humans out there, go and make a connection with one of them. Anyway, why do you worry so much about what other people might think? You can’t know because you’re not a mind reader, you just imagine their thoughts based on your own negative self image. All this low self-esteem nonsense doesn’t come from other people, it comes from you; you don’t think you’re worth it, you don’t really like yourself so why should anyone else? Well, you know what? You are all you’re going to get, there isn’t another you on standby so focus on the good stuff….(this is the hard bit, deep breath)………

You are kind, intelligent, funny, compassionate, loyal and sincere. You have a beautiful smile. You are affectionate. You are loveable. You were loved by the most wonderful man in the World because you are worth loving. You are generous. You have an infectious laugh. You’re a good writer. You are honest. For all these reasons and more, you deserve to be happy; let yourself be happy Lisa…..

If you try something new you might not like it………..and? What’s worse – trying something new and not enjoying it or sitting around, feeling miserable and waiting for someone else to hand you a happy life on a plate? It doesn’t work like that Lisa, the only person who can change the way that you’re feeling at the moment is you! Stop hiding behind the excuses ‘I’m shy’, ‘I don’t have any self-confidence’, ‘I’m grieving’ because they are just that, they are things you tell yourself to justify your fears.

At the root of all of it, the fear of people leaving you because loss is what started all this in the first place. Think about this logically: if you don’t get close to anyone because you’re scared you’ll end up alone aren’t you creating a self-fulfilling prophesy? You push people away and hide from the World – that’s called being alone and it’s your choice but it’s not what you want so STOP IT!! Open up, be vulnerable, be yourself, love other people and let them love you, yes they may leave but they may not and, at the very least, you can enjoy the time that you spend with them NOW.

Here’s a final reminder before I kick your backside out the front door and into a better life: You don’t do regret, you never have because you can’t see any point in it. You can’t change the past, you did what you did and said what you said and that’s that.  So here’s my question for you: do you want to get to the end of your life, which could be in 20 years time or in the next 5 minutes, and think ‘I wish I had’? No? Didn’t think so……

This post was prompted by 3 things:

A comment from my lovely friend Tom

A comment from my best friend Will

A comment from the voice in my head (stop being so fucking miserable, in case you were wondering).

The desire to change my life, for the better, stemmed from words; they have such power don’t they? It’s just a case of knowing which ones to listen to….

I’m going to enjoy my day to day and I hope that you do the same :O)

Lisa x

 

 

 

This is Why I Hate Surprises….

Any of you who read my post from yesterday will have realised that  I have teeny problem with thought separation inasmuch as I can’t stop the little buggers taking sides and beating the crap out of each other. One the one hand we have Captain Positive and his little band of perky cheerleaders and on the other Captain Doubt who is constantly throw a spanner in the works or, failing that, beating cheerleaders over the head with it.

Anyway,  I was promised a big surprise last week which led to an inevitable 3 day battle between the two Captains who have set up opposing camps somewhere in my cerebral spaghetti. The surprise giver was my best friend who is the kindest and most well intentioned person in the world. Unfortunately, he seems to think that I am far more well-adjusted than I actually am and dismissed all my pitiful whimperings about hating surprises as well as my increasingly hysterical demands to know what we would be doing, where we would be going, who with etc etc. All he would reveal was that we were going on his motorbike, it would be a new experience and I would have a great time……

Yesterday duly arrived and my friend arrived with his bike and a very large rucksack.

“So I’m carrying the rucksack then?” I was eyeing it suspiciously and it was glaring back.

I tried to pick it up with one hand and then put it back down.

“What the bloody hell have you got in here?????” I was convinced that it was full of rocks.

We argued for a while about the weight of the thing (I thought at least 30kg while he insisted no more than 10!)

“So how far is this place” I asked to try and smother the temptation to find a set of scales

“Just under 200km……..here I’ll help you with the bag”

My first thought was ‘just hand the bag back, say thank you very politely and go back indoors’ but then I thought ‘no! stop being such a wussy, your best friend has arranged a lovely surprise for you so suck it up’.

I handed over my sunglasses to be put in the rucksack (fortunately they don’t weight very much) and spotted two things which looked very much like cycling helmets or the helmets you wear to climb mountains…….or jump off bridges attached to giant elastic bands…….

Captains Positive and Doubt were barged out of the way by Sergeant Panic who was  screaming at the top of his lungs and banging frantically on the back of my eyeballs trying to get my attention. The Team Positive cheerleaders pushed him over, sat on him and jammed a pom pom in his mouth…..

I put my foot on the foot peg which is roughly the size of bourbon biscuit and hoisted myself up. The rucksack ensured that my first attempt failed and my second, although successful was anything but elegant.

“By the way [person he knows I don’t like] is coming with us…….” my friend said casually

Sergeant Panic had poked cheerleader 1 in the eye, spat out the pom pom and now had Captain Doubt by the lapels, was shaking him violently and demanding to know why he wasn’t doing anything…….

An hour into the journey and the good Captain and his Sergeant had stuffed all members of Team Positive into the broom cupboard and were sitting down with a number of distant cousins including Paranoia and Anxiety. There is not much to do on the back of a motorbike other than look at the view and listen to the voices in your head; as it was motorway for almost the whole damn journey it was standing room only for negative thoughts after….well, not very long at all really.

I swear I did my best. Captain Positive made a bid for freedom when I saw a sign for an Outdoor Activity Park but he was rugby tackled by Disappointment when I realised where we were actually going.

A race track. To watch a race. With thousands of other bikers.

This was not a new experience at all, there would be no adrenaline rush (which I was desperately praying for by this point as, in my experience, an adrenaline rush can kick the arse of pretty much any negative emotion) and I had worried myself sick for 3 days, for what? Captain Positive chose this moment to point out that that’s exactly why worrying is a waste of time but Corporal Anger kicked him in the crotch and he shut up.

Don’t get me wrong, I love motorbikes, I especially love watching my friends race as it’s exciting watching someone you know hurtle round a track at breakneck speeds but it’s something I’d done many times before. Why give me all this nervous anticipation for an Endurance Race I’d never heard of full of riders I didn’t know??

I’d like to say that I took all this in my stride, thanked my very kind friend and had a lovely day. I’d like to be able to say that but I can’t because it didn’t happen. Team negative seemed to have taken control of my facial muscles (forcing them into a frown) and my vocal cords (which they’d somehow manipulated so that all I was capable of was hhhmphhh).

Captain Positive, no doubt holed up somewhere with an ice pack on his balls, refused to take part in anything all day so it was party time for Team Negative. All I could focus on was the pain in my back (from the rucksack which would still be heavy on the return 200km journey), the guilt I felt for not appreciating the surprise day out, the unbearable, unrelenting noise, the heat and the masses and masses of people. I tried, I honestly did, not least because I was feeling bad about the way I was treating my best friend but the day just went from bad to worse….

Somehow Team Negative grabbed Granny Agoraphobia from the Sunnydale Retirement Home for Old Neuroses and I started to really panic. I tried to explain to my friend but he was justifiably pissed off with me, because I ‘d been a miserable git all day, and wasn’t really in an understanding mood. In the end, I was in floods of tears and insisted that we go home; I just couldn’t cope any longer. The day had been ruined, Team Negative had won and, as a result, I think I may have lost my best friend……

Lisa

x

 

Fighting Amongst Yourself

Have you ever had a fight with yourself? I don’t mean taking yourself by the scruff of the neck and throwing yourself over the back of the sofa, more a fight within the confines of your own mind. I believe the technical term is ‘internal dialogue’, when the exchange is calm and productive, this is more of an ‘internal slanging match’. It’s as though your thoughts suddenly take against each other……

Usually it begins with a single, simple phrase that runs through your mind, dragging a negative, but all too willing, emotion along with it

“I can’t do this!”  says the Captain of team doubt, accompanied by Sergeant Anxiety.

“Of course you can, it’s a wonderful opportunity”

The Captain of team positive thinking takes centre stage flanked by a couple of pom pom waving cheer leaders from Camp self-esteem

“I can’t, it’s too much pressure, I know it’s going to be a disaster”

Team doubt have been joined by Fear (always a big player) and a couple of rejects from Camp self-esteem who were kicked out for ‘not playing well with others’.

“We’ve talked about this. You cannot know what will happen; let go of control and just go where life takes you”

Team positive thinking have recruited self-confidence (who did not come willingly) The cheerleaders are busy chanting motivational quotes and trying to work out how to build a human pyramid with just the two of them.

 

“Oh bugger off you bloody hippy, what do you know about it”

The rejects from Camp self-esteem take this opportunity to wrestle the pom poms from the cheerleaders and start hitting self-confidence over the head with them; not an eager participant in the first place, he makes a run for it.

“I’m you, you blithering idiot!”

At this point both sides will realise what a nonsense their battle really is or they’ll both take serious offence and launch an all out attack on each other, which results in the owner of the warring thoughts having to lie down in a darkened room for a couple of days.

Viewing my inner dialogue scraps like this is the only way that I can keep them from drawing battle lines and really wrecking my life. Today, I enlisted the help of Common Sense who is currently standing in the middle of the two protagonists with his arms folded and a stern ‘don’t mess with me you bastards’ look on his face.

Why is all this necessary? Well, a couple of my closest friends have organised a surprise for me today.

“I don’t like surprises”

“How do you know, you don’t know what it is, that’s the point of surprises”

“Oh, sod off with your bloody logic, I know what I don’t like”

Sorry, guys, I need to go and give Common Sense a hand, they seem to be giving him a wedgie……..

See you later

Lisa x

 

 

A S**t, Shave or a Haircut?

Do you ever have those days when you just don’t know what you want? When you are restless but don’t want to move? You crave company but don’t really want to talk to anybody? My husband used to refer to that feeling as not knowing whether you want a shit, shave or a haircut; a strange expression but one that always used to make me laugh.

Today is one of those days but, when his favourite saying popped into my mind, it made me want to cry rather than laugh because I can’t hear him saying it anymore. I remember him saying it but his voice, his intonations, his smile are all drifting farther and farther away with each day that passes.

I didn’t mean to write that; when I started this post it was going to be lighthearted, something to let people know that it’s OK not to have direction sometimes, to lose focus. That’s the problem with grief though, it wanders about in your brain, seemingly aimlessly sometimes, and then it kicks you in the emotional crotch. Hard. It takes something that made you happy and then mutilates it until it is not recognisable as the thing that it once was; like having your throat ripped out by a fluffy kitten.

The really irritating thing, the thing that makes me want to take out my brain and shake it, is that I know what I need to do to feel better. Intellectually, I understand that exercise will lift my mood, meditation will calm my mind, focusing on the positive will………you get the picture but, on days like today, it’s all bollocks! On days like today I want to sit in a corner and cry, bungee jump off a bridge, smash every plate I own, sit in the dark and listen to sad songs, go out into the sunshine, swim in the sea, stay in bed, be left alone, be held……..

On days like today I want my husband back, just for 5 minutes, so I can hear him saying

“It’s just one of those days, you don’t know if you want a shit, a shave or a haircut”

That can’t happen because he died and left me here alone, trying to hold on to the past and trying so hard to move forward, knowing all the damn while that I can’t do both.

So, please, help me out here, what you do on days like these?

Lisa

x

Well That Explains a Lot……

Have you ever had one of those moments when a thought rocks up in your mind and does a ta-daah! with some jazz hands? A moment of clarity that lights up the inside of your head like a cerebral firework display? They don’t come along too often but when they do you just sit back and think ‘Ohhhhhhhhhhhhh! Huh!! Well that explains a lot’

I had one of those moments yesterday. I was not feeling like a little ray of sunshine, more a small dark cloud that you know is just going to drizzle on you all day and I got to thinking……why do I keep feeling like this? Just when things seem to be going my way at long last, and I’m finding contentment again, these negative thoughts gatecrash my happy part and fuck it all up. Then it hit me! My subconscious was screwing with me!

I’m not sure what sort of relationship you have with your subconscious but mine is a bit of a dick. He sneaks around behind the scenes mugging perfectly rational thoughts and then beating them up until they agree to become neuroses; even the strong, positive ones usually cave in and become niggling doubts! Anyway, I digress,where was I? Oh yes right my moment of clarity……

Just to give a bit of context here, I lost my husband just over 4 years ago; we received the diagnosis of cancer in the July and he was gone by the following April. At the time we were as happy as we had ever been; we’d previously had a rough few years because my husband lost both his parents after long illnesses and looking after them had put a great strain on him. I’d had issues with my business which had a put a strain on me as well but we’d got past all that and we finally had it all: a lovely home, no money worries, trips abroad a couple of times a year, week-ends away when the fancy took us. More than that, we were completely happy together; I had never been as happy as I was then……..

And what happened? Life, God, alternative existential entity comes along and pulls the metaphorical rug out from under me. Pulls it so hard that I do a complete cat flap and crash onto my back barely able to breathe, let alone move. It was like a cosmic slapstick comedy moment: Your life is perfect? Excellent! Now, wait for it, here comes the pie in the face……oh how the universe must have chuckled!

Anyway, getting back to my bastard of  a subconscious, it seems that he had been busy linking those two things together – ‘complete, total happiness’ and ‘World ending heartbreak’. Now, to give him his due, it may be that, in some twisted way, he was trying to protect me but the message that he sent to my cerebral cortex was:

“Each time you start to feel happy – STOP!!!! If you don’t something terrible will happen!!”

Can you see now why it was a bit of a Eureka moment? I was stopping myself from being happy because I had mentally connected being happy with being miserable…..as I said my subconscious is a sick and twisted little sod. So what does all this mean? Well, I’m hoping that, now I’ve realised what he’s been up to, I’ll be able to stop him then next time he tries to screw with my happiness.

Have you ever had anything like that? A moment of clarity that just put everything into perspective for you? Let me know, I’d love to hear from you….

Lisa x

You Should………

Do you find that, everywhere you look these days, there is someone telling you ‘you should’? There are millions of ads, books, magazine articles and, yes, blogs which all tell us how we ‘should’ be living our lives. Your glass ‘should’ be half full, you ‘should’ believe in yourself, keeping moving forward, take risks, get out of your comfort zone, be responsible for your own happiness……..

Most of the time I will read these messages avidly and try to tailor my thoughts and emotions so that I can keep my face towards the sunshine while the shadows fall behind me. I try to live as if I were going to die tomorrow and examine my life so I know it’s worth living. I bear in mind that problems are gifts that will help me to grow. I’ve read the books, watched the videos and walked across hot coals and, for the most part, it works…..

Today it’s not working. Today I think that I ‘should’ be with my husband and I have no other thought than that. No amount of mental arse-kicking will push me out of my comfort zone and into the oncoming traffic of rainbow coloured unicorns! It’s been more than four years now that I’ve done the things that I ‘should’, to feel better, to feel happy but still it all fails to take root. All it takes is a word, a song, a smell and I am plunged back into the stinking pit of pain and misery that kept me prisoner for so long.

“It is not my situation but how I react to it that matters”

Tomorrow would have been my husband’s 63rd birthday. We would have organised a night away in a hotel, a great bottle of wine, a fantastic meal. I would have spent weeks thinking about something original to buy him and he would have insisted on some kind of power tool, the same as he did every year. We would have dressed up to the nines and spent the evening together, no-one else, just the two of us……..

“Happiness is a choice, I can choose to be happy”

Instead, I feel as though my heart, that I have tried so carefully to put back together, is breaking into little pieces all over again. I ‘should’ be grateful for the good things I have in my life now, I ‘should’ remember that I was lucky to be so loved, I ‘should’ remember all our happy times together, I ‘should’ let you go so that I can move on.

There are lots of things that I ‘should’ do but today I can’t, I just can’t.

Lisa x