Well That Explains a Lot……

Have you ever had one of those moments when a thought rocks up in your mind and does a ta-daah! with some jazz hands? A moment of clarity that lights up the inside of your head like a cerebral firework display? They don’t come along too often but when they do you just sit back and think ‘Ohhhhhhhhhhhhh! Huh!! Well that explains a lot’

Have you ever had one of those moments when a thought rocks up in your mind and does a ta-daah! with some jazz hands? A moment of clarity that lights up the inside of your head like a cerebral firework display? They don’t come along too often but when they do you just sit back and think ‘Ohhhhhhhhhhhhh! Huh!! Well that explains a lot’

Eyeore.jpgI had one of those moments yesterday. I was not feeling like a little ray of sunshine, more a small dark cloud that you know is just going to drizzle on you all day and I got to thinking……why do I keep feeling like this? Just when things seem to be going my way at long last, and I’m finding contentment again, these negative thoughts gatecrash my happy part and fuck it all up. Then it hit me! My subconscious was screwing with me!

I’m not sure what sort of relationship you have with your subconscious but mine is a bit of a dick. He sneaks around behind the scenes mugging perfectly rational thoughts and then beating them up until they agree to become neuroses; even the strong, positive ones usually cave in and become niggling doubts! Anyway, I digress,where was I? Oh yes right my moment of clarity……

Just to give a bit of context here, I lost my husband just over 4 years ago; we received the diagnosis of cancer in the July and he was gone by the following April. At the time we were as happy as we had ever been; we’d previously had a rough few years because my husband lost both his parents after long illnesses and looking after them had put a great strain on him. I’d had issues with my business which had a put a strain on me as well but we’d got past all that and we finally had it all: a lovely home, no money worries, trips abroad a couple of times a year, week-ends away when the fancy took us. More than that, we were completely happy together; I had never been as happy as I was then……..

Pie in the faceAnd what happened? Life, God, alternative existential entity comes along and pulls the metaphorical rug out from under me. Pulls it so hard that I do a complete cat flap and crash onto my back barely able to breathe, let alone move. It was like a cosmic slapstick comedy moment: Your life is perfect? Excellent! Now, wait for it, here comes the pie in the face……oh how the universe must have chuckled!

Anyway, getting back to my bastard of  a subconscious, it seems that he had been busy linking those two things together – ‘complete, total happiness’ and ‘World ending heartbreak’. Now, to give him his due, it may be that, in some twisted way, he was trying to protect me but the message that he sent to my cerebral cortex was:

“Each time you start to feel happy – STOP!!!! If you don’t something terrible will happen!!”

Can you see now why it was a bit of a Eureka moment? I was stopping myself from being happy because I had mentally connected being happy with being miserable…..as I said my subconscious is a sick and twisted little sod. So what does all this mean? Well, I’m hoping that, now I’ve realised what he’s been up to, I’ll be able to stop him then next time he tries to screw with my happiness.

Have you ever had anything like that? A moment of clarity that just put everything into perspective for you? Let me know, I’d love to hear from you….

Lisa x

Author: All About Life

Middle-aged 20 something

30 thoughts on “Well That Explains a Lot……”

  1. Mine does that too Lisa.
    2006 I had recovered from a serious 18 month long bout of depression and was happy until 2009 when I had a stream of disasters over 4 years. Each time I picked myself up from one the next thing happened. I had a bad shoulder problem, then a viral illness, then my wife lost her mum and her job in the space of a few weeks, then she had the stress of starting college, then a melanoma diagnosis. My most recent depression was, just as you say, partly because I had taught myself there was little point being happy when the next crisis was surely just around the corner.
    You will be OK Lisa, don’t worry. x

    Liked by 2 people

    1. That was a lot to deal with in those 4 years Darren, not surprising that it dragged you down! You’re right, I do wonder if we are our own worst enemies sometimes.
      Thanks so much my friend, I seem to be making some breakthroughs so I’m hoping that it’s the start of something good :O) xxx

      Liked by 1 person

  2. This reminded me of a quote that I’d read sometime back –

    “The more you go with the flow of life and surrender the outcome to God, and the less you seek constant clarity, the more you will find that fabulous things start to show up in your life.”
    ― Mandy Hale

    Wish you love and good luck to find your own clarity and free will!❤

    Liked by 1 person

  3. Oh I do this as well… I either say ‘I’m happy’ out loud or just to myself and then sort of cringe and wait for the bolt of lightening to blast me out of my shoes… so very sorry you’ve had such a rough run…but very pleased to hear that you are making a few breakthroughs… wishing you many more…🙏🙏🙏

    Liked by 2 people

  4. Lisa, first thing first. Your writing is adorable. I am sorry to learn about your loss. Such is life. I think our mind is a devil it record things in correlation to haunt us at a latter time. Like you said you were happy before and the tragedy of your husband struck you, the subconscious recorded it in conjuncture. But I am glad you decided the damn mystery and I am glad you will be in blithe. The moment of realization has come to me many times in the past. You are not alone. Stay blessed dear ❤️

    Liked by 1 person

  5. Same — the don’t get too happy because that’s when bad things happen. Then I remember my grandmother: the bad things will come. Best not to think about them when they’re not there and just try to enjoy the happy. But yes, the mind makes a connection, at least in my case, between I got happy and then the world crashed in. Tough one to overcome, but I succeed (mostly).

    Liked by 2 people

  6. Yes! I had this eureka moment some years ago; so long ago I had forgotten the turn it took. I remember thinking, mostly in my 20’s, that each time I really celebrated life being good, it would turn bad. I thought I was a veritable jinx!

    I was wrong. Sometime in my early 30’s I started to allow myself to feel good about the good things and not let the bad things have their way. Good, over here in the good pile and they’re good no matter what. Bad, that goes over in the bad pile and they are what they are. Delight it life. It’s worth it. The good times are so much more delightful when the bad times mind their place.

    Wonderfully written and great job on your moment. Eureka, sister!

    Liked by 2 people

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