Song Lyric Sunday

Good morning one and all, I hope that life is treating you well :O) Another week has flown by and it’s time once again for Song Lyric Sunday which is brought to us by the endlessly creative Jim Adams. If you’ve never played along why not give it a try this week, it’s a fantastic way of discovering new music and meeting new bloggers

Good morning one and all, I hope that life is treating you well :O) Another week has flown by and it’s time once again for Song Lyric Sunday which is brought to us by the endlessly creative Jim Adams. If you’ve never played along why not give it a try this week, it’s a fantastic way of discovering new music and meeting new bloggers. If you’re feeling inspired this weeks theme is zodiac animals (Rat/Ox/Tiger/Rabbit/Dragon/Snake/Horse/Sheep/Monkey/ Rooster/Dog/Pig) and these are the rules:

  • Post the lyrics to the song of your choice, whether it fits the theme or not.
  • Please try to include the songwriter(s) – it’s a good idea to give credit where credit is due.
  • Make sure you also credit the singer/band and if you desire you can provide a link to where you found the lyrics.
  • Link to the YouTube video, or pull it into your post so others can listen to the song.
  • Ping back to this post will eventually work, as long as you are being patient, but you can also place your link in the comments if you don’t like to wait.
  • Read at least one other person’s blog, so we can all share new and fantastic music and create amazing new blogging friends in the process.
  • Feel free to suggest future prompts.
  • Have fun and enjoy the music.

 

Once there was a gardener
Whose horse became a dream
It then became a nightmare
And nothing was redeemed
His heart was overshadowed
It yielded to the pain
Of lost and broken memories
Of love he’d spent in vain
There within the labyrinth
He bathed in vapours green
He poured his very essence
Into pools that can’t be seen
He fell into the precipice
By choice he entered through
Dark waters yet unspoken
Of a loss he could not bear to be true
His fate lay among the flowers
Of the desert morning stars
Uncharted lands and faithful hands
Beckon from afar
In time his eyes will open
And he will begin to see
The beauty of his innocence
Free from memory
His horse that was a nightmare
Will be a promise seen
No longer there a prisoner
He’ll realise his dream
And souls will join and be reborn
In the Eden of his heart
He’ll bring forth a light of unity
From which he will not part
Loving eyes will no longer
Pour acid on his soul
For forged within integrity
His horse becomes a foal
And there begins his reckoning
A freedom from the past
The pain in vain will dissipate
And peace will come to pass
Songwriters: Lisa Gerrard / James Orr
This, for me, is  a poem set to music and it’s one of the most poignant that I’ve ever read. Lisa Gerrard who has the most incredible singing voice actually speaks these words and they are almost hypnotic. They tell the tale of a man who loses his love and sinks into a deep depression as he struggles to cope with the loss ‘he couldn’t bear to be true’ but then they speak of his journey back to a place of hope where he can be free from the pain of his past memories.
I discovered this track when I was in therapy after the death of my husband. The therapist had worked with analogies and some hypnosis and my ‘peaceful place’ was always a river that I would arrive at via a winding path, through a wood, and with me (my emotional protection) was always a palomino horse. So, you can imagine, the lyrics had enormous significance for me and I had to share them with my therapist. As she read them, she started to cry which came as something of a surprise to me but, I later discovered that she too had lost someone very close to her. For me, this short, spoken song sums up the journey through grief; five years on, I have found peace and this song no longer makes me cry but, even now, it comes close.
I hope that you love it as much as I do.
Lisa x

The Key to Happiness

Happiness. The thing that we all strive for, dream about, search for and yet, for many of us, it is elusive – why? Most of us have periods of happiness in our lives but they are often over-shadowed by misery caused by events in the past or worries about the future. I am not going to say ‘live in the moment’, even though it’s excellent advice, because, for most people it’s impossible

Happiness. The thing that we all strive for, dream about, search for and yet, for many of us, it is elusive – why? Most of us have periods of happiness in our lives but they are often over-shadowed by misery caused by events in the past or worries about the future. I am not going to say ‘live in the moment’, even though it’s excellent advice, because, for most people it’s impossible. We are a product of our memories (which live in the past) and our hopes, dreams and fears (which reside in the future for the most part.) What I am going to say is that happiness is something that needs to be worked at….

If you’ve ever learned to play the piano – you didn’t get to the end of the first lesson being able to play a concerto, you didn’t learn the alphabet and then were able to write a dissertation on War and Peace. Rather, you practiced, doing the same thing over and over again until whatever it was you were learning came to you naturally.  Do you remember how hard it was the first time you tried to write your name? Do you even think about it now? It seems to me that the same logic applies to being happy. This is only my opinion but it’s based on the things that I’ve learned over the last few years.

After I lost my husband I grieved and that’s perfectly natural but it was also what I focused on. I needed to cry, to find ways to let out the emotion that was crippling me so I listened to sad music, watched sad films, read sad stories – you get the picture. After a couple of years I found that I wanted to be happy but, each time I was, I was plagued by guilt – how could I be happy when my husband was dead – so I reverted back into a state of depression…..which then became the norm, a safe place if you will. Essentially, I was comfortable with being depressed.

The trouble with depression is that it’s so easily reinforced. We find a moment’s happiness but then tell ourselves ‘ something will come along to screw it up, I just know it’ and guess what? It does. Then we tell ourselves that we were right (everyone loves to be right) and obviously that means we don’t deserve to be happy or that, even if we find happiness, something will come along to ruin it. What we have on our hands then is a self-fulfilling prophesy and those are buggers to deal with!

I was trapped in this circle for years and then I started to get pissed off with it. My husband’s death had taught me that life is short and we only get one crack at it so I started to look at ways of breaking this incredibly destructive cycle. I began to search for inspiration on YouTube of all places and, because I was looking for it, I found it. There are meditations which will calm you mind and body, there are TED talks which explain our thought processes and what we can do to change them, there are yoga practices, we have Tony Robbins and Brene Brown, Sadhguru and Ajahn Brahm. In short, there is all the material we need to kick start our minds out of depression and into happiness.

So why isn’t everyone happy? Because it isn’t easy to change years of mental and emotional programming. There is comfort in the familiar, there is a certain self-indulgence in misery and our memories, good and bad stay with us. However, being comfortable generally means not moving and, if we don’t move, what’s going to change? Self-indulgence isn’t a bad thing unless we over-indulge – think half a pound of chocolate and a full tub of ice-cream! As for our memories, we can’t erase them but what we can do is change the way that we feel about them, the emotions that we attach to them. I will always feel sad when I think of the last days of my husband’s life but I have attached a very strong feeling of gratitude and love to the fifteen years we spent together before those last few days and, now, that’s what I try and concentrate on but it takes work.

It’s easy, when you’re feeling down, to lie on the sofa and watch TV – it’s hard to get up and go for a walk.

It’s easy to listen to The World’s saddest love songs and cry for a lost love – it’s hard to put on a Madness album and dance around the living room

It’s easy to talk about negative feelings and listen while others do it – it’s hard to put on a set of headphones and follow a guided meditation

Funny thing is, however hard they might be at the start, like everything else, over time, they get easier. What we tell ourselves has a direct effect on our experiences whether they be positive or negative. I’ve realised that we have the ability to create our own narrative and constantly referring to misery, sadness, loss, grief, pain in our words, our writing and our thoughts serves only to reinforce those feelings. Being happy is like anything else – it can be learned but it takes time and effort and I have decided it’s worth the effort. So, am I happy every minute of every day? No, but I’m working on it and life is getting so much easier in the process!

Have an awesome Sunday one and all :O)

Lisa x

Song Lyric Sunday

Good Morning One and All and Happy Sunday! It’s time again for our weekly foray into the wonderful world of music; what better place to lose yourself? If you’re a music fan or you’re looking for a fun way to meet new bloggers why not play along? SLS is brought to us this week by Jim Adams and he has challenged us to come up with the prompt “No”. If you’d like to play along and why wouldn’t you because its fun, here are some rules for you:

Good Morning One and All and Happy Sunday! It’s time again for our weekly foray into the wonderful world of music; what better place to lose yourself? If you’re a music fan or you’re looking for a fun way to meet new bloggers why not play along? SLS is brought to us this week by Jim Adams and he has challenged us to come up with the prompt “No”. If you’d like to play along and why wouldn’t you because its fun, here are some rules for you:

  • Post the lyrics to the song of your choice, whether it fits the theme or not.
  • Please try to include the songwriter(s) – it’s a good idea to give credit where credit is due.
  • Make sure you also credit the singer/band and if you desire you can provide a link to where you found the lyrics.
  • Link to the YouTube video, or pull it into your post so others can listen to the song.
  • Ping back to this post will eventually work, as long as you are being patient.
  • Read at least one other person’s blog, so we can all share new and fantastic music and create amazing new blogging friends in the process.
  • Have fun and enjoy the music.

 

Feeling the moment the slip away
Losing direction you’re losing faith
You’re wishing for someone
Feeling it all begin to slide
Am I just like you?
All the things you do
can’t help myself
How do you feel when there’s no sun?
And how will you be when rain clouds come and pull you down again?
How do you feel when there’s no one?
Am I just like you?
Turning to face what you’ve become
Bury the ashes of someone
Broken by the strain
Trying to fill that space inside
Am I just like you?
All the things you do
can’t help myself
How do you feel when there’s no sun?
And how will you be when rain clouds come and pull you down again?
How do you feel when there’s no one?
Am I just like you?
All the things you do
Don’t ever feel
that you’re alone
I’ll never let you down
I’ll never leave you dry
Don’t fall apart
Don’t let it go
Carry the motion
Carry the motion back to me (to me)
Feeling the moment the slip away
Feeling the moment the slip away
So I’m just like you
How do you feel when there’s no sun?
And how will you be when rain clouds come and pull you down again?
How do you feel when there’s no one?
Am I just like you?
Songwriters: Grant Nicholas
Feeling a Moment lyrics © BMG Rights Management
This brilliant song starts with a huge, brief burst of energy and then quickly slows. The lead singer and song writer, Grant Nicholas, speaks to his audience directly in an intimate and personal way. He’s speaking to someone who seems to be giving up on life with, seemingly great empathy and understanding but then he poses the question ‘Am I just like you?’
He goes on to say that, whatever happens he will always be there and that they’ll never need to feel alone but, for me, the last words of the song and the way that they are sung have always sounded like a cry for help. I wonder then if the question
“And how will you be when rain clouds come and pull you down again?”
is almost willing the other person to feel sad and lonely so that he will not have to feel alone. What is it they say about ‘misery loves company’?
This is one of my absolute favourite Feeder tracks and I really hope that you like it. Have a wonderful Sunday :O)
Lisa x

Invisible

I think therefore I am. 

The more that I think 

The less I am 

To you all

I think therefore I am.

The more that I think

The less I am

To you all

Do you

Still see me

As you pass by

Or am I now lost

Inside my broken mind

Having one of those days so I’ll catch you guys later

Lisa x

Lost

Stumbling in the half light, trying to find the path

Where a foal once led my inner child, sure footed

Don’t look back, therein lies the darkness, she implored

Stumbling in the half light, trying to find the path

Where a foal once led my inner child, sure footed

Don’t look back, therein lies the darkness, she implored

My inner child let go a silent tear, I turned

Away from her. My foal would guard her innocence

As they waited for my return to the sunlight

Until then the shadows beckon, corrosive gloom

Familiar. You wait there but no longer there

Slowly fading. I search blindly, seeing no end

But needing to look. Why can’t I see anymore?

Hands outstretched, desperate to feel your loving touch

 I hear no sound, no calling voice to guide me back

A scent so longed for dissipated, nothing there

At once light steps in the distance distract my mind

Foal and inner child can wait no more so they come

We will meet again in joyful reunion,

They will not scold, the pull of the darkness stays strong

But I will still regret the hours, days far away

Lost.

 

Lisa x

Time to Put on My Big Girl Panties…

One foot in, then the other and hoist! Hard! You know that your mental health is not what it should be when you start wishing that you were a fictional TV lawyer and your comfort zone feels like a prison; well, I say ‘ENOUGH!’ Sorry to yell like that but I need to be shouting this from the rooftops because I am getting on my own last nerve at the moment. When you don’t like your own company, you know it’s time for a change…

One foot in, then the other and hoist! Hard! You know that your mental health is not what it should be when you start wishing that you were a fictional TV lawyer and your comfort zone feels like a prison; well, I say ‘ENOUGH!’ Sorry to yell like that but I need to be shouting this from the rooftops because I am getting on my own last nerve at the moment. When you don’t like your own company, you know it’s time for a change…

Instead of writing about the negative shit that I’ve been feeling lately (which I am sure contributes to the miseries), I am going to use this post to kick myself up the arse until I am back at the fork in the road again and can start walking on the path that leads to happiness. Here goes:

FearThe only thing that stops you having the life you want is fear and what is fear? It’s nothing more than a chemical reaction to the pictures that your imagination creates. That’s the equivalent of being scared by a movie for God’s sake! The really daft thing about it is that you don’t even have to watch the movie, you’ve written the script and chosen the images so change them! You are not Mystic Meg, you have no idea what the future will bring: essentially, you are scared of something which does not yet exist…….

The headaches, tiredness, tension in your shoulders? All caused by stress and stress is nothing more than worrying about something that may or may not happen. How will that serve you? Life will throw things at you, both good and bad, deal with them head on. Don’t waste time analysing and over-thinking because that will change diddly squat; it’s your actions that matter.

The fluttering in your stomach, heart beating faster? Those are the physical manifestations of fear BUT they are also the physical manifestations of excitement; you get EXACTLY those feelings when you’re having the time of your life on a jet ski or a motorbike; accept them as such. You are not scared of meeting new people or having new experiences, you are excited by it!

mind-reader-i-am-notIf you meet someone new and they don’t like you,  so what? It doesn’t mean that you are not fundamentally likeable, it’s just that you haven’t made a good connection with another human being. Why worry about it, there are another 7.5 billion other humans out there, go and make a connection with one of them. Anyway, why do you worry so much about what other people might think? You can’t know because you’re not a mind reader, you just imagine their thoughts based on your own negative self image. All this low self-esteem nonsense doesn’t come from other people, it comes from you; you don’t think you’re worth it, you don’t really like yourself so why should anyone else? Well, you know what? You are all you’re going to get, there isn’t another you on standby so focus on the good stuff….(this is the hard bit, deep breath)………

You are kind, intelligent, funny, compassionate, loyal and sincere. You have a beautiful smile. You are affectionate. You are loveable. You were loved by the most wonderful man in the World because you are worth loving. You are generous. You have an infectious laugh. You’re a good writer. You are honest. For all these reasons and more, you deserve to be happy; let yourself be happy Lisa…..

If you try something new you might not like it………..and? What’s worse – trying something new and not enjoying it or sitting around, feeling miserable and waiting for someone else to hand you a happy life on a plate? It doesn’t work like that Lisa, the only person who can change the way that you’re feeling at the moment is you! Stop hiding behind the excuses ‘I’m shy’, ‘I don’t have any self-confidence’, ‘I’m grieving’ because they are just that, they are things you tell yourself to justify your fears.

At the root of all of it, the fear of people leaving you because loss is what started all this in the first place. Think about this logically: if you don’t get close to anyone because you’re scared you’ll end up alone aren’t you creating a self-fulfilling prophesy? You push people away and hide from the World – that’s called being alone and it’s your choice but it’s not what you want so STOP IT!! Open up, be vulnerable, be yourself, love other people and let them love you, yes they may leave but they may not and, at the very least, you can enjoy the time that you spend with them NOW.

AcceptHere’s a final reminder before I kick your backside out the front door and into a better life: You don’t do regret, you never have because you can’t see any point in it. You can’t change the past, you did what you did and said what you said and that’s that.  So here’s my question for you: do you want to get to the end of your life, which could be in 20 years time or in the next 5 minutes, and think ‘I wish I had’? No? Didn’t think so……

This post was prompted by 3 things:

A comment from my lovely friend Tom

A comment from my best friend Will

A comment from the voice in my head (stop being so fucking miserable, in case you were wondering).

The desire to change my life, for the better, stemmed from words; they have such power don’t they? It’s just a case of knowing which ones to listen to….

I’m going to enjoy my day to day and I hope that you do the same :O)

Lisa x

 

 

 

This is Why I Hate Surprises….

Any of you who read my post from yesterday will have realised that  I have teeny problem with thought separation inasmuch as I can’t stop the little buggers taking sides and beating the crap out of each other. One the one hand we have Captain Positive and his little band of perky cheerleaders and on the other Captain Doubt who is constantly throw a spanner in the works or, failing that, beating cheerleaders over the head with them.

Any of you who read my post from yesterday will have realised that  I have teeny problem with thought separation inasmuch as I can’t stop the little buggers taking sides and beating the crap out of each other. One the one hand we have Captain Positive and his little band of perky cheerleaders and on the other Captain Doubt who is constantly throw a spanner in the works or, failing that, beating cheerleaders over the head with it.

Anyway,  I was promised a big surprise last week which led to an inevitable 3 day battle between the two Captains who have set up opposing camps somewhere in my cerebral spaghetti. The surprise giver was my best friend who is the kindest and most well intentioned person in the world. Unfortunately, he seems to think that I am far more well-adjusted than I actually am and dismissed all my pitiful whimperings about hating surprises as well as my increasingly hysterical demands to know what we would be doing, where we would be going, who with etc etc. All he would reveal was that we were going on his motorbike, it would be a new experience and I would have a great time……

Yesterday duly arrived and my friend arrived with his bike and a very large rucksack.

“So I’m carrying the rucksack then?” I was eyeing it suspiciously and it was glaring back.

I tried to pick it up with one hand and then put it back down.

“What the bloody hell have you got in here?????” I was convinced that it was full of rocks.

We argued for a while about the weight of the thing (I thought at least 30kg while he insisted no more than 10!)

“So how far is this place” I asked to try and smother the temptation to find a set of scales

“Just under 200km……..here I’ll help you with the bag”

Panic 2My first thought was ‘just hand the bag back, say thank you very politely and go back indoors’ but then I thought ‘no! stop being such a wussy, your best friend has arranged a lovely surprise for you so suck it up’.

I handed over my sunglasses to be put in the rucksack (fortunately they don’t weight very much) and spotted two things which looked very much like cycling helmets or the helmets you wear to climb mountains…….or jump off bridges attached to giant elastic bands…….

Captains Positive and Doubt were barged out of the way by Sergeant Panic who was  screaming at the top of his lungs and banging frantically on the back of my eyeballs trying to get my attention. The Team Positive cheerleaders pushed him over, sat on him and jammed a pom pom in his mouth…..

I put my foot on the foot peg which is roughly the size of bourbon biscuit and hoisted myself up. The rucksack ensured that my first attempt failed and my second, although successful was anything but elegant.

“By the way [person he knows I don’t like] is coming with us…….” my friend said casually

Sergeant Panic had poked cheerleader 1 in the eye, spat out the pom pom and now had Captain Doubt by the lapels, was shaking him violently and demanding to know why he wasn’t doing anything…….

An hour into the journey and the good Captain and his Sergeant had stuffed all members of Team Positive into the broom cupboard and were sitting down with a number of distant cousins including Paranoia and Anxiety. There is not much to do on the back of a motorbike other than look at the view and listen to the voices in your head; as it was motorway for almost the whole damn journey it was standing room only for negative thoughts after….well, not very long at all really.

I swear I did my best. Captain Positive made a bid for freedom when I saw a sign for an Outdoor Activity Park but he was rugby tackled by Disappointment when I realised where we were actually going.

A race track. To watch a race. With thousands of other bikers.

This was not a new experience at all, there would be no adrenaline rush (which I was desperately praying for by this point as, in my experience, an adrenaline rush can kick the arse of pretty much any negative emotion) and I had worried myself sick for 3 days, for what? Captain Positive chose this moment to point out that that’s exactly why worrying is a waste of time but Corporal Anger kicked him in the crotch and he shut up.

Don’t get me wrong, I love motorbikes, I especially love watching my friends race as it’s exciting watching someone you know hurtle round a track at breakneck speeds but it’s something I’d done many times before. Why give me all this nervous anticipation for an Endurance Race I’d never heard of full of riders I didn’t know??

tantrumI’d like to say that I took all this in my stride, thanked my very kind friend and had a lovely day. I’d like to be able to say that but I can’t because it didn’t happen. Team negative seemed to have taken control of my facial muscles (forcing them into a frown) and my vocal cords (which they’d somehow manipulated so that all I was capable of was hhhmphhh).

Captain Positive, no doubt holed up somewhere with an ice pack on his balls, refused to take part in anything all day so it was party time for Team Negative. All I could focus on was the pain in my back (from the rucksack which would still be heavy on the return 200km journey), the guilt I felt for not appreciating the surprise day out, the unbearable, unrelenting noise, the heat and the masses and masses of people. I tried, I honestly did, not least because I was feeling bad about the way I was treating my best friend but the day just went from bad to worse….

Somehow Team Negative grabbed Granny Agoraphobia from the Sunnydale Retirement Home for Old Neuroses and I started to really panic. I tried to explain to my friend but he was justifiably pissed off with me, because I ‘d been a miserable git all day, and wasn’t really in an understanding mood. In the end, I was in floods of tears and insisted that we go home; I just couldn’t cope any longer. The day had been ruined, Team Negative had won and, as a result, I think I may have lost my best friend……

Lisa

x

 

A S**t, Shave or a Haircut?

Do you ever have those days when you just don’t know what you want? When you are restless but don’t want to move? You crave company but don’t really want to talk to anybody? My husband used to refer to that feeling as not knowing whether you want a shit, shave or a haircut; a strange expression but one that always used to make me laugh.

Do you ever have those days when you just don’t know what you want? When you are restless but don’t want to move? You crave company but don’t really want to talk to anybody? My husband used to refer to that feeling as not knowing whether you want a shit, shave or a haircut; a strange expression but one that always used to make me laugh.

Today is one of those days but, when his favourite saying popped into my mind, it made me want to cry rather than laugh because I can’t hear him saying it anymore. I remember him saying it but his voice, his intonations, his smile are all drifting farther and farther away with each day that passes.

I didn’t mean to write that; when I started this post it was going to be lighthearted, something to let people know that it’s OK not to have direction sometimes, to lose focus. That’s the problem with grief though, it wanders about in your brain, seemingly aimlessly sometimes, and then it kicks you in the emotional crotch. Hard. It takes something that made you happy and then mutilates it until it is not recognisable as the thing that it once was; like having your throat ripped out by a fluffy kitten.

The really irritating thing, the thing that makes me want to take out my brain and shake it, is that I know what I need to do to feel better. Intellectually, I understand that exercise will lift my mood, meditation will calm my mind, focusing on the positive will………you get the picture but, on days like today, it’s all bollocks! On days like today I want to sit in a corner and cry, bungee jump off a bridge, smash every plate I own, sit in the dark and listen to sad songs, go out into the sunshine, swim in the sea, stay in bed, be left alone, be held……..

On days like today I want my husband back, just for 5 minutes, so I can hear him saying

“It’s just one of those days, you don’t know if you want a shit, a shave or a haircut”

That can’t happen because he died and left me here alone, trying to hold on to the past and trying so hard to move forward, knowing all the damn while that I can’t do both.

So, please, help me out here, what you do on days like these?

Lisa

x

You Should………

Do you find that, everywhere you look these days, there is someone telling you ‘you should’? There are millions of ads, books, magazine articles and, yes, blogs which all tell us how we ‘should’ be living our lives. Your glass ‘should’ be half full, you ‘should’ believe in yourself, keeping moving forward, take risks, get out of your comfort zone, be responsible for your own happiness……..

Do you find that, everywhere you look these days, there is someone telling you ‘you should’? There are millions of ads, books, magazine articles and, yes, blogs which all tell us how we ‘should’ be living our lives. Your glass ‘should’ be half full, you ‘should’ believe in yourself, keeping moving forward, take risks, get out of your comfort zone, be responsible for your own happiness……..

Most of the time I will read these messages avidly and try to tailor my thoughts and emotions so that I can keep my face towards the sunshine while the shadows fall behind me. I try to live as if I were going to die tomorrow and examine my life so I know it’s worth living. I bear in mind that problems are gifts that will help me to grow. I’ve read the books, watched the videos and walked across hot coals and, for the most part, it works…..

Today it’s not working. Today I think that I ‘should’ be with my husband and I have no other thought than that. No amount of mental arse-kicking will push me out of my comfort zone and into the oncoming traffic of rainbow coloured unicorns! It’s been more than four years now that I’ve done the things that I ‘should’, to feel better, to feel happy but still it all fails to take root. All it takes is a word, a song, a smell and I am plunged back into the stinking pit of pain and misery that kept me prisoner for so long.

“It is not my situation but how I react to it that matters”

Tomorrow would have been my husband’s 63rd birthday. We would have organised a night away in a hotel, a great bottle of wine, a fantastic meal. I would have spent weeks thinking about something original to buy him and he would have insisted on some kind of power tool, the same as he did every year. We would have dressed up to the nines and spent the evening together, no-one else, just the two of us……..

“Happiness is a choice, I can choose to be happy”

Instead, I feel as though my heart, that I have tried so carefully to put back together, is breaking into little pieces all over again. I ‘should’ be grateful for the good things I have in my life now, I ‘should’ remember that I was lucky to be so loved, I ‘should’ remember all our happy times together, I ‘should’ let you go so that I can move on.

There are lots of things that I ‘should’ do but today I can’t, I just can’t.

Lisa x

Advertising: Free Space for Rant

This is a completely free, one time offer to all my fellow bloggers. Do you have days when you are pissed off with the world in general and you really want to let rip? Do you keep it to yourself so that you don’t offend/have to live with the recriminations/upset those you love etc etc? If so this space is for you – you can rent a vent :O)

This is a completely free, one time offer to all my fellow bloggers. Do you have days when you are pissed off with the world in general and you really want to let rip? Do you keep it to yourself so that you don’t offend/have to live with the recriminations/upset those you love etc etc? If so this space is for you – you can rent a vent :O)

One of my friends gave me this idea (thanks Floriane) as she felt that it would be therapeutic to let some stuff out by writing it down and I thought ‘I’ve got a blog! What better place is there to lose your shit?’ Then I thought ‘Why keep it to yourself? We all need a good old rage every now and again so why not give everyone a chance? They’ll either thank you for it or you’ll have to start looking for some new followers tomorrow’.

Anyway, knowing what a great bunch you are and also how many of you have some serious crap to deal with I’m going ahead:

“Do you have any idea how much I hate you Cancer? Can you even begin to possibly fathom how deep my loathing is for you? You came, without warning, for no fucking reason at all and you took the only man I have ever really loved.

You brought him fear and pain and unbelievable suffering and for what??? You are a parasite, a pathetic life sucking, hope draining parasite and you murdered him. You leeched out his life force, his happiness, his dreams. You took away his future for fucks sake! And I watched it! You forced me to watch as you slowly destroyed him – you evil, sick twisted little bastard!

Oh sure  you left me with memories but what good are memories? I can’t touch a memory or hold it or kiss it can I? And do you know the problem with memories You can’t get shot of them; I can’t wipe out the ones that I want to and just leave the good ones! I can’t just lose the memories of him wasting away before my eyes can I????

Thanks to you a truly lovely man was ripped away from the people who love him, who needed him. Why did you even want him? You fed on him and you grew; an ugly, spiteful, vindictive, self-serving monster and then, at the very end, when you took his last precious breath, you died with him – what the fuck is wrong with you!?

You took everything you vicious little bastard and I HATE you for it but this anger I have for you is slowly ruining whatever is left of my life so I am giving it back to you. Here is my hate – take it and may you rot in hell”

I’m not going to apologise for my rant or the bad language because the rock that’s been sitting on my chest for the last goodness knows how long feels lighter somehow. There is a sense of peace in me that wasn’t there before.

If you need to let off some steam – please feel free.

  • No-one will judge you for it
  • No-one will mock you
  • No-one will criticise
  • You won’t have to apologise afterwards
  • You can swear if you need to
  • You don’t have to make sense
  • You won’t have to feel guilty
  • You won’t hurt anyone

So there you go, I’m advertising a free rant space; it’s there if you need it.

With love

Lisa x