When I Was Young: Published

Those lovely folk over at Spillwords have very kindly published another one of my poems today and I can’t thank them enough!  If you’re a poet or a writer of short stories don’t be afraid to submit your work to them as they’re a great bunch of people and they won’t bite ;O) Anyway, if you get a couple of minutes I hope that you’ll wander over there and read it.

Those lovely folk over at Spillwords have very kindly published another one of my poems today and I can’t thank them enough!  If you’re a poet or a writer of short stories don’t be afraid to submit your work to them as they’re a great bunch of people and they won’t bite ;O) Anyway, if you get a couple of minutes I hope that you’ll wander over there and read it.

Lisa

x

PS. The cat gif is there for no other reason than I like cats and it made me chuckle

 

Song Lyric Sunday

How has your week been? Good I hope! Hasn’t it gone past quickly? I can’t believe it’s time for Song Lyric Sunday again. If you’re a music lover and enjoy discovering new tracks and artists or just like connecting with other bloggers why not play along?  Jim Adams kindly provides a prompt each week and this time he has chosen Hurt/Pain/Agony/Suffer. If you’d like to take part, and I really hope you will, here are some rules for you

How has your week been? Good I hope! Hasn’t it gone past quickly? I can’t believe it’s time for Song Lyric Sunday again. If you’re a music lover and enjoy discovering new tracks and artists or just like connecting with other bloggers why not play along?  Jim Adams kindly provides a prompt each week and this time he has chosen Hurt/Pain/Agony/Suffer. If you’d like to take part, and I really hope you will, here are some rules for you.

  • Post the lyrics to the song of your choice, whether it fits the theme or not.
  • Please try to include the songwriter(s) – it’s a good idea to give credit where credit is due.
  • Make sure you also credit the singer/band and if you desire you can provide a link to where you found the lyrics.
  • Link to the YouTube video, or pull it into your post so others can listen to the song.
  • Ping back to this post will eventually work, as long as you are being patient, but you can also place your link in the comments if you don’t like to wait.
  • Read at least one other person’s blog, so we can all share new and fantastic music and create amazing new blogging friends in the process.
  • Feel free to suggest future prompts.
  • Have fun and enjoy the music.

Here is my choice:

 

I’m so tired of being here
Suppressed by all my childish fears
And if you have to leave
I wish that you would just leave
‘Cause your presence still lingers here
And it won’t leave me alone
These wounds won’t seem to heal, this pain is just too real
There’s just too much that time cannot erase
When you cried, I’d wipe away all of your tears
When you’d scream, I’d fight away all of your fears
And I held your hand through all of these years
But you still have all of me
You used to captivate me by your resonating light
Now, I’m bound by the life you left behind
Your face it haunts my once pleasant dreams
Your voice it chased away all the sanity in me
These wounds won’t seem to heal, this pain is just too real
There’s just too much that time cannot erase
When you cried, I’d wipe away all of your tears
When you’d scream, I’d fight away all of your fears
And I held your hand through all of these years
But you still have all of me
I’ve tried so hard to tell myself that you’re gone
But though you’re still with me, I’ve been alone all along
When you cried, I’d wipe away all of your tears
When you’d scream, I’d fight away all of your fears
And I held your hand through all of these years
You still have all of me, me, me
Songwriters: Ben Moody / David Hodges / Amy Lee
Although it was easy to choose a song as, after I lost my husband, I loaded up my playlist with songs of loss and heartbreak, it’s not an easy subject for any of us to write about. We have all suffered and felt pain at different times and in different ways and often it lingers with us, eclipsing less significant but happier moments – why is that? None of us like to feel pain but we hang on to it; testament to this is the thousands of songs that have been written about heartache and the millions of people who listen to them. Surely we would all be happier if we only listened to songs that convey a positive message? I don’t know, maybe it’s as Victor Hugo said ““Melancholy is the happiness of being sad.”
This particular song, by Evanescence, is one that I discovered after I lost my husband and, the first time I heard it, it hit me like a sledge hammer. Not only was it stunningly beautiful with an incredibly haunting melody but the lyrics summed up exactly how I was feeling at the time. I desperately wanted to get rid of the pain that I was feeling but I couldn’t let go of the man I loved even though I’d lost him two years previously. It’s now been 5 years and I still can’t listen to this without crying because, although my life has moved on and I am happier now, he still has all of me.
Lisa x

Do You Dream?

When you slumber, free from reality

With limbs in gentle repose, breathing soft

The images come, unrestrained, welcome

Of days gone by or a longed for future

When you slumber, free from reality

With limbs in gentle repose, breathing soft

The images come, unrestrained, welcome

Of days gone by or a longed for future

Complete liberty to construct your view

Of a World that beckons your aching soul

Do you face the fear that binds you: regret

Or are you, in that moment, cleansed, reborn?

What do you dream when night comes to claim you?

When you become, once more, all that you hide

I dream of the day I first saw your face

I dream of the day I’ll hold you again

I dream of you, my love, I dream of you.

Lisa x

Song Lyric Sunday

HAPPY SUNDAY!!! I hope that you all have a smile on your face and a song in your heart because today is all about music! Yes, it’s time, once again, for Song Lyric Sunday which is brought to us by the lovely Jim Adams, I’m sure he’d love for you to stop by and check out his blog.  If you’d like to take part and share your favourite tunes here are some rules:

HAPPY SUNDAY!!! I hope that you all have a smile on your face and a song in your heart because today is all about music! Yes, it’s time, once again, for Song Lyric Sunday which is brought to us by the lovely Jim Adams, I’m sure he’d love for you to stop by and check out his blog.  If you’d like to take part and share your favourite tunes here are some rules:

  • Post the lyrics to the song of your choice, whether it fits the theme or not.
  • Please try to include the songwriter(s) – it’s a good idea to give credit where credit is due.
  • Make sure you also credit the singer/band and if you desire you can provide a link to where you found the lyrics.
  • Link to the YouTube video, or pull it into your post so others can listen to the song.
  • Ping back to this post will eventually work, as long as you are being patient, but you can also place your link in the comments if you don’t like to wait.
  • Read at least one other person’s blog, so we can all share new and fantastic music and create amazing new blogging friends in the process.
  • Feel free to suggest future prompts.
  • Have fun and enjoy the music.

The prompt for this week is Minutes/Hours/Days/Weeks/Months and here is my choice:

A picture, a date,
It’s hard to believe it
‘But it was only yesterday’,
my memory would lie to me
And those children faces, and mine in that mirror
Oh, I’m not complaining, don’t worry about that
Life spoiled me, I’m having a hard time turning it off
Oh, my God, I’ve had my share
And even more, in so many ways

But when we live too beautifully, too strongly,
We forget that time passes by,
Just like we lose a bit our bearings
In too vast open spaces
We barely have time to get used to it, then we have to step aside – Oh, if only I could

One more night, one more hour,
One more tear of joy
A favour, just like a flower
A breath, a mistake
A bit of us, almost nothing at all
To say everything once again, or to remain silent
With our eyes, just one report
Barely once more, even though it’s late

I never asked for anything, it’s not so much to ask
Come on, compared to eternity, it won’t even show
It will stay between us, oh, just a slight delay

So many people are just killing time,
So much that they end up losing or using it up
So many people lie to themselves, making up dreams
And moments of grace
Oh, I would give up my place in Heaven
If I could be forgotten here on Earth

Once more yesterday

One more night, one more hour,
One more tear of joy
A favour, just like a flower
A breath, a mistake
A bit of us, almost nothing at all
To say everything once again, or to remain silent
One look, just one report
Barely once more, I know it’s late

It’s not much, nothing more than a break
May time and its clock rest a bit
And caress just a kiss, just a kiss

Once more night, one more hour
A bit of us, not much at all

One night
One more night
One more hour
A bit of us
Almost nothing at all
One night

I first heard this song not long after I moved to France,  I was with friends and it started playing on the radio. At the time my French wasn’t good enough to understand all the words, it still isn’t, but I could understand enough to know that it was a woman begging for another night, even another hour with the man she loves. I didn’t realise it at the time but this was the first song that Celine Dion recorded after the loss of her husband and you can hear the pain in her voice.
The melody first caught my attention because it is truly beautiful but then I heard the line:
“Oh, I would give up my place in Heaven If I could be forgotten here on Earth” and I was undone as that was exactly how I felt at the time; the tears choked me but I didn’t want to break down in front of my new friends. Unfortunately the line:
“It’s not much, nothing more than a break May time and its clock rest a bit And caress just a kiss, just a kiss” finished me off and I was sobbing because I could hear the longing in her voice as she whispered “just a kiss”. At that moment and in many moments before and since I would have given anything for one more kiss, one more night, one more hour with my husband…….
The translation I’ve included is not perfect but it’s the best that I can find but I’m not sure you’ll need it as the emotion Celine Dion puts into this song speaks for itself.
Lisa x

Get Out!

It’s grey, not pink, that’s a bit of a shock 

But now that it’s out let’s see what we’ve got 

Too many, too much, I’ll make a big pile 

Sifting through this could take quite a long while 

It’s grey, not pink, that’s a bit of a shock

But now that it’s out let’s see what we’ve got

Too many, too much, I’ll make a big pile

Sifting through this could take quite a long while

Small heaps perhaps to the left and the right

The good and the bad, the dark and the light

This one is sadness, it must belong there

Along with contrition, pain and despair

This is a memory of happiness lost

Where do I put it? Shouldn’t it be tossed?

Or kept in a pile with hope and a dream

Of a ghost’s soft reproach ‘Carpe Diem’

Arranged before me, they’re not as I thought

A mountain on one side; how hard I fought

To hold an echo and hoard the shadows

A mound on the other, the things I chose

To leave in the light, hoping they would grow

Hope is the first, a sprout, starting to show

Joy is there too but a almost unrecognised

Love their companion albeit disguised

Now to decide, what to keep, what is thrown?

What goes back? Good or bad it’s all I’ve known

For so long, same thoughts again and again

It’s not so easy to clean out my brain.

The last few days have been pretty grim. Maybe it’s because Valentine’s day is just round the corner, maybe it’s because grief just decides to beat the crap out of you sometimes, I honestly don’t know but sadness is just eating away at me. I’ve spent the last 5 years finding coping mechanisms to stay strong and keep positive, to enjoy each day as it comes but, right now, I have negative thoughts chasing around my head like puppies on speed.

This morning I thought how wonderful it would be if I could just take out my brain, give it a good shake and get rid of all the negative shit that seems to be clogging it up – hence this poem. Have you ever felt like that? I’d love to hear from you if you have.

Lisa x

Roses are Red

Just when you think it’s safe to go out 

There is a knock at your heart, tap, tap 

Trepidation calls, bearing flowers 

Roses, red like the blood flowing still 

Just when you think it’s safe to go out

There is a knock at your heart, tap, tap

Trepidation calls, bearing flowers

Roses, red like the blood flowing still

Through your veins to a stone cold  heart

Violets, deep blue as your eyes that weep

To remember the days without fear

Orchid, black reflecting your humour

‘Love me, love me not?’, petals shredded

Destroying the thing of beauty that

Once was your life. Stamens, yellow stain

Rough hands. Colours bleeding into one

Dull grey where once: yellow red, blue

Delicate stems, plain perfect blossom

Dismay brought you a bouquet. But why?

To remind you that he’s there. Tap tap

Just when you think it’s safe to go out.

I had to go to the supermarket this morning and, everywhere I looked, there were red hearts and roses, cards and chocolates and lovers strolling hand in hand. There is a feeling of romance in the air and, this year for some reason, I am not really dealing with it very well. So many tears today I just locked myself away and wrote this poem because I didn’t know what else to do.

Lisa x

 

#BlogBattle: Loss

At her age, she had never expected to find the man of her dreams but here he was, standing before her and, better yet, he was smiling and that beautiful smile was only for her. All her life Sarah had been overlooked or, worse, ignored; she was unassuming, deeply sensitive and incredibly kind but she was plain and she knew it.

At her age, she had never expected to find the man of her dreams but here he was, standing before her and, better yet, he was smiling and that beautiful smile was only for her. All her life Sarah had been overlooked or, worse, ignored; she was unassuming, deeply sensitive and incredibly kind but she was plain and she knew it. She always described herself as nondescript; her hair lacked bounce or shine, her eyes were a clear blue but small, her nose far too strong for her face and her mouth a tiny rosebud. No individual feature was unappealing but together they just didn’t work.

The man before her, on the other hand was, in her opinion, magnificent. His hair was very dark, almost black, his eyes twinkled a deep green and his smile, oh that smile! The crows feet and the lines at the corner of his mouth showed her, immediately, that he was someone who laughed a lot, who loved life and Sarah was drawn to him in a way she’d never felt before. It was for this reason that she felt no hesitation when he held out his hand to her; she rose from her seat and walked into his arms. A perfect gentleman, he put one hand on her waist and the other on her shoulder and then he led her into a dance. Sarah moved with an easy grace that was new to her. She had always been, what her mother referred to as, ‘cack handed’ but with this man guiding her steps she felt as though she was floating.

“Will you stay with me Sarah?” his deep, melodious voice floated on the air and delivered the words that she had longed to hear for so many years. They were filled with the desire to really know her. She looked into his eyes and saw her face reflected there but, for the first time, she did not shy away from the image because, in his eyes, she was beautiful.

“I will stay with you gladly Michael” As she said the words she tried to remember when he had told her his name but she just couldn’t recall, how strange! ‘No matter’ she thought. Their dance ended as her body twirled around his, their fingertips just touching, her skirt flowed around her legs and she laughed with the joy of it all.

“Shall we go?” Michael asked her when she glided to a halt before him. He took both her hands in his and smiled; she was ready to go anywhere with this man and she walked with him gladly into the darkness.

David sat beside Sarah’s bed, her frail hand in his, and he wept. He had loved this woman for 50 of his 75 years and now she was gone. Painfully shy, he had never summoned the courage to tell her how he felt and now he cursed his weakness. Just before she died, Sarah’s face had lit up; he would have given anything for her to look at him like that, just once. He supposed he should be grateful for the fine friendship they’d had for all those years but it was to late now; she was with the angels. All he had left were his memories and, now, a profound sense of loss, for her and for the love that they’d never shared.

I’ve never taken part in a Blog Battle before but was intrigued by the challenge set by Jaye and Anita (do pop over and visit their blog, I am sure they’d love to see you) so this is my offering.

Lisa x

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

I’m Dreading It…

Christmas that is so, if you’re big fan and don’t want to be bah humbugged look away now……..

Christmas that is so, if you’re big fan and don’t want to be bah humbugged look away now……..

The thing is, I’ve never really been a big fan to be honest. I don’t like Christmas Carols (except Oh Holy Night but that makes me cry), I’m not a big foodie so Christmas dinner is a bit lost on me, Christmas films are invariably nauseatingly saccharin and it seems to be 3 weeks of crazy for one day. Saying all that, I always made the effort because I know that other people love it; my husband was a huge fan and used to love cooking the dinner, paper hat atop his head and a glass of something in his hand.

Of course, he’s not here now. I don’t have to think about finding him the perfect present, something that will make his eyes light up and make him want to hug me tight and kiss me. I don’t have to think about buying a little something for my two cats because I lost them too. I don’t need to worry about buying presents for my parents because we decided to give the money to the hospice where he died instead.

He won’t wake me up at the crack of dawn Christmas morning, running around like a big kid and trying to find his apron so he can get on with food preparation. He won’t nag me about doing the washing up (he cooked after all), we won’t argue about what film to watch, he won’t fall asleep in front of the TV, having drunk too much at lunchtime. He won’t be asking for turkey sandwiches or another sweet or trying to convince me that it won’t hurt if he has a third mince pie. He won’t be giving me a present that I know damn well he bought at the last minute but, all the same, put so much thought into.

We won’t stay up late, hugging on the sofa, watching rubbish and scoffing chocolates. We won’t be going to bed together tired but happy and we won’t fall asleep in each others arms, each of us knowing that we are loved.

Instead I have the offer of going to Rome with my best friend as I did last year and the year before. I would spend Christmas and New Year with his friends and family who are all incredibly lovely and make so much effort……I’m dreading it. Everyone makes me feel welcome, they’re Italian so they try and feed me every five minutes and when I’m not being fed, someone is hugging me or telling me something I can’t understand…..I’m dreading it. I would probably laugh, drink too much, have far too many late nights and be drowned in a cacophony of endless chatter. During the day I’ll be with good friends, explore Rome, take motorbike rides though the beautiful countryside outside the city, take photos, drink the mind-blowingly strong coffee and eat cake….

And feel totally separate from all of it and more alone  and more trapped than I feel at any other time of the year. You can’t escape from the jollity at Christmas and, if you’ve lost your husband, wife or partner, you can fully participate in it either because the best part of Christmas is sharing it with someone you love……..

I’m sorry that this is such a dismal, feeling sorry for myself post but this is the worst year yet for me and it will be the fifth without my husband; I don’t understand why it doesn’t get any easier……

Lisa x

Words

So many words screaming through my mind, tearing it apart

Nonsense, every single one. Incoherent, unconnected, banal

Cruel syllables, pathetic prose mock and taunt. Brain farts

So many words screaming through my mind, tearing it apart

Nonsense, every single one. Incoherent, unconnected, banal

Cruel syllables, pathetic prose mock and taunt. Brain farts

Capturing sanity; reason, a way of escape, held in their thrall

Battering a tired psyche that longs for comfort in solid form

So many words, millions, each more unavailing than its kin

Offering hope with sardonic smile, a truism old and worn

I cannot find you, the right ones, to heal the pain within

You are only words and you are not enough and too much

In my mind a torment. On your lips and only yours, just one,

A solitary, lonely syllable all the more precious as such,

Would be the key. Emotions barred by words, free to run.

Lisa

x

Invisible

I think therefore I am. 

The more that I think 

The less I am 

To you all

I think therefore I am.

The more that I think

The less I am

To you all

Do you

Still see me

As you pass by

Or am I now lost

Inside my broken mind

Having one of those days so I’ll catch you guys later

Lisa x