Do you ever have those days when you just don’t know what you want? When you are restless but don’t want to move? You crave company but don’t really want to talk to anybody? My husband used to refer to that feeling as not knowing whether you want a shit, shave or a haircut; a strange expression but one that always used to make me laugh.
Today is one of those days but, when his favourite saying popped into my mind, it made me want to cry rather than laugh because I can’t hear him saying it anymore. I remember him saying it but his voice, his intonations, his smile are all drifting farther and farther away with each day that passes.
I didn’t mean to write that; when I started this post it was going to be lighthearted, something to let people know that it’s OK not to have direction sometimes, to lose focus. That’s the problem with grief though, it wanders about in your brain, seemingly aimlessly sometimes, and then it kicks you in the emotional crotch. Hard. It takes something that made you happy and then mutilates it until it is not recognisable as the thing that it once was; like having your throat ripped out by a fluffy kitten.
The really irritating thing, the thing that makes me want to take out my brain and shake it, is that I know what I need to do to feel better. Intellectually, I understand that exercise will lift my mood, meditation will calm my mind, focusing on the positive will………you get the picture but, on days like today, it’s all bollocks! On days like today I want to sit in a corner and cry, bungee jump off a bridge, smash every plate I own, sit in the dark and listen to sad songs, go out into the sunshine, swim in the sea, stay in bed, be left alone, be held……..
On days like today I want my husband back, just for 5 minutes, so I can hear him saying
“It’s just one of those days, you don’t know if you want a shit, a shave or a haircut”
That can’t happen because he died and left me here alone, trying to hold on to the past and trying so hard to move forward, knowing all the damn while that I can’t do both.
So, please, help me out here, what you do on days like these?