Roses are Red

Just when you think it’s safe to go out 

There is a knock at your heart, tap, tap 

Trepidation calls, bearing flowers 

Roses, red like the blood flowing still 

Just when you think it’s safe to go out

There is a knock at your heart, tap, tap

Trepidation calls, bearing flowers

Roses, red like the blood flowing still

Through your veins to a stone cold  heart

Violets, deep blue as your eyes that weep

To remember the days without fear

Orchid, black reflecting your humour

‘Love me, love me not?’, petals shredded

Destroying the thing of beauty that

Once was your life. Stamens, yellow stain

Rough hands. Colours bleeding into one

Dull grey where once: yellow red, blue

Delicate stems, plain perfect blossom

Dismay brought you a bouquet. But why?

To remind you that he’s there. Tap tap

Just when you think it’s safe to go out.

I had to go to the supermarket this morning and, everywhere I looked, there were red hearts and roses, cards and chocolates and lovers strolling hand in hand. There is a feeling of romance in the air and, this year for some reason, I am not really dealing with it very well. So many tears today I just locked myself away and wrote this poem because I didn’t know what else to do.

Lisa x

 

Words

So many words screaming through my mind, tearing it apart

Nonsense, every single one. Incoherent, unconnected, banal

Cruel syllables, pathetic prose mock and taunt. Brain farts

So many words screaming through my mind, tearing it apart

Nonsense, every single one. Incoherent, unconnected, banal

Cruel syllables, pathetic prose mock and taunt. Brain farts

Capturing sanity; reason, a way of escape, held in their thrall

Battering a tired psyche that longs for comfort in solid form

So many words, millions, each more unavailing than its kin

Offering hope with sardonic smile, a truism old and worn

I cannot find you, the right ones, to heal the pain within

You are only words and you are not enough and too much

In my mind a torment. On your lips and only yours, just one,

A solitary, lonely syllable all the more precious as such,

Would be the key. Emotions barred by words, free to run.

Lisa

x

Fly

Fly

Far. Away

From my view

With a load given freely

Precious cargo, such damaged goods

Fly

Far. Away

From my view

With a load given freely

Precious cargo, such damaged goods

Carefully arranged pieces, wrapped in memory

Held together with a fragile filament, don’t let it fall

Keep it safe in a leaden vault, lock it tight but return the key

To me. Time will pass, fissures close. One day I will claim it once again

Take it willingly from your blackened claws, my tender, loving, broken heart……

Lisa

x

 

 

Tough Decisions…..

Morning chaps, how are we all today? If you’ve got a minute I could really use your advice with something because I just cannot decide what to do. To explain, I’ve been living alone for more than 4 years now and, to be honest, I feel pretty lonely some of the time. Yesterday, a friend came up with a solution that would also involve helping others at the same time. Should be easy to say ‘yes’ shouldn’t it but…….

Morning chaps, how are we all today? If you’ve got a minute I could really use your advice with something because I just cannot decide what to do. To explain, I’ve been living alone for more than 4 years now and, to be honest, I feel pretty lonely some of the time. Yesterday, a friend came up with a solution that would also involve helping others at the same time. Should be easy to say ‘yes’ shouldn’t it but…….

Her idea was for me to take on the training of a guide dog puppy, you know, those adorable bundles of fluff that eat your furniture and capture your heart? As soon as she said it I broke into the biggest smile and my instant answer was ‘yes!!!!! I want a puppy!!!’ As she’s not one to let the grass grow under her feet, she whisked me off to the local Guide Dog Centre and we had a long chat with the lady in charge. She was lovely and explained everything to me; they would pay for the food and vets bills and the dog would live with me in my apartment. Once a month we would attend training classes at the centre and I would be expected to walk the dog twice a day, instill discipline and give  it bucket loads of affection….

This is where things started to get tricky because I know myself well. The affection would be no problem as I am desperate to have something to love; I have friends and family of course but no real outlet for the love that just seems to sit inside my chest in a huge leaden lump. Relationships with people are tricky and complex but animals love unconditionally and I crave that simplicity of feeling.

The exercise would certainly be easy as I am happy to walk for miles and I can’t help thinking that a puppy would be more fun than my i-phone which is what I usually have for company. The other upside of training a guide dog is that, unlike other dogs, they can go anywhere with you so, basically, we could do everything together….

The problem would definitely be the discipline side of things – saying no when the little tyke wants to sleep on the bed with me (not allowed) or curl up on the sofa next to me in the evening (not allowed) or wants to pick the choicest tidbits from my plate (definitely not allowed). I would have to concentrate on the dog’s training because, after all, he would be doing a job and that won’t be possible if I allow him to do whatever he feels like.

These thoughts were all hurtling through my mind at a rate of knots when, all of a sudden, they all crashed to a standstill to make room for a new one which entered the arena with all guns blazing…….

“you’re going to have to say goodbye”

Although, it had been mentioned a few minutes before I hadn’t really cottoned on to the significance of something the boss lady had said: ‘the training is for one year’. So, after living with, walking, training, playing and loving an animal for one year it would be taken away to live with someone else. That someone would need this dog, would be reliant on it, would deserve it……

 

I would love to be able to help someone in that way, this is such a very good cause! I love dogs and would just adore to have one around, even though I know it could chew its way through most of my possessions BUT I don’t know that I could say goodbye. I’ve done that too many times in the last few years and I don’t know that I could cope with it again.

So, here’s my question: Is the love that I’ll share for one year worth the pain of saying goodbye? I honestly don’t know so I’d really appreciate any advice that you have to offer

Lisa

x

 

Keep It Inside…..

That beast you feel, locked deep within

Shredding your soul with casual contempt

Force it back though it sears your skin

From inside. Tearing pain with each attempt

That beast you feel, locked deep within

Shredding your soul with casual contempt

Force it back though it sears your skin

From inside. Tearing pain with each attempt

At freedom. It begs release with silent roar

Climbing higher with vicious blind intent

Hold tight, keep it back with all strength in your core

Though it promises no more than sad lament

How can you trust this creature built of pain

Who claws at your throat, again and again

The beast is strong, it surges, ready to fly

Too hard, no more,  let it go

And cry….

Lisa

x

A S**t, Shave or a Haircut?

Do you ever have those days when you just don’t know what you want? When you are restless but don’t want to move? You crave company but don’t really want to talk to anybody? My husband used to refer to that feeling as not knowing whether you want a shit, shave or a haircut; a strange expression but one that always used to make me laugh.

Do you ever have those days when you just don’t know what you want? When you are restless but don’t want to move? You crave company but don’t really want to talk to anybody? My husband used to refer to that feeling as not knowing whether you want a shit, shave or a haircut; a strange expression but one that always used to make me laugh.

Today is one of those days but, when his favourite saying popped into my mind, it made me want to cry rather than laugh because I can’t hear him saying it anymore. I remember him saying it but his voice, his intonations, his smile are all drifting farther and farther away with each day that passes.

I didn’t mean to write that; when I started this post it was going to be lighthearted, something to let people know that it’s OK not to have direction sometimes, to lose focus. That’s the problem with grief though, it wanders about in your brain, seemingly aimlessly sometimes, and then it kicks you in the emotional crotch. Hard. It takes something that made you happy and then mutilates it until it is not recognisable as the thing that it once was; like having your throat ripped out by a fluffy kitten.

The really irritating thing, the thing that makes me want to take out my brain and shake it, is that I know what I need to do to feel better. Intellectually, I understand that exercise will lift my mood, meditation will calm my mind, focusing on the positive will………you get the picture but, on days like today, it’s all bollocks! On days like today I want to sit in a corner and cry, bungee jump off a bridge, smash every plate I own, sit in the dark and listen to sad songs, go out into the sunshine, swim in the sea, stay in bed, be left alone, be held……..

On days like today I want my husband back, just for 5 minutes, so I can hear him saying

“It’s just one of those days, you don’t know if you want a shit, a shave or a haircut”

That can’t happen because he died and left me here alone, trying to hold on to the past and trying so hard to move forward, knowing all the damn while that I can’t do both.

So, please, help me out here, what you do on days like these?

Lisa

x

What Can I Give You?

You want my smile?

Take it, wear it, it won’t reach your eyes

You want my laughter?

It’s yours but I warn you it’s empty

You want my smile?

Take it, wear it, it won’t reach your eyes

You want my laughter?

It’s yours but I warn you it’s empty

You want my happiness?

I’d gladly give it to you but it’s lost

You want my heart?

You can have it but know that it’s broken

You want my hope?

I can’t find a use for it now, take it

You want my love?

I’m sorry I have nothing left to give………

This week has been a bit sucky if I’m honest so I wrote this to try and get out all the negative emotions that seem to have me wrapped up so tightly. I know the feelings will pass as they have always done in the past and I will find the sliver of a silver lining to hold on to.

There is no-one in my ‘real’ life that I would share this with for fear of freaking them out so I’m glad that I have my WordPress friends there for when I need to get stuff like this off my chest.

Thanks to all of you

Lisa x

Walking on Sunshine or Eggshells?

If you’ve done something kind for someone today, for no other reason than to see them smile, please share it with me and restore my faith in human nature. Have a wonderful day lovely people xxxxx

If you’ve done something kind for someone today, for no other reason than to see them smile, please share it with me and restore my faith in human nature………..

Today I am genuinely saddened by something truly wonderful. The sign above, which I imagined would be a fantastically uplifting start to someone’s working day, was posted on Twitter and accompanied by this comment:

“Thought of the day: why not take the time to sexually harass a stranger”

I had an entire post prepared on how this kind of self-victimisation in the name of feminism is damaging to the entire cause and women in general but instead I am just despairing that we may be losing all trust in each other and the desire to interact with strangers in case we inadvertently offend them.

So, instead of giving you my usual rambling insights I’m going to leave you with these thoughts instead and hope that the World isn’t becoming as cold and distant as I fear:

Kindness 1Kindness 2kindness 3

We all need to feel loved and, when we do we are free to love others. The problems in this World will never be solved by argument and criticism but only by acceptance and understanding.

 Have a wonderful day lovely people xxxxx