I’m Dreading It…

Christmas that is so, if you’re big fan and don’t want to be bah humbugged look away now……..

Christmas that is so, if you’re big fan and don’t want to be bah humbugged look away now……..

The thing is, I’ve never really been a big fan to be honest. I don’t like Christmas Carols (except Oh Holy Night but that makes me cry), I’m not a big foodie so Christmas dinner is a bit lost on me, Christmas films are invariably nauseatingly saccharin and it seems to be 3 weeks of crazy for one day. Saying all that, I always made the effort because I know that other people love it; my husband was a huge fan and used to love cooking the dinner, paper hat atop his head and a glass of something in his hand.

Of course, he’s not here now. I don’t have to think about finding him the perfect present, something that will make his eyes light up and make him want to hug me tight and kiss me. I don’t have to think about buying a little something for my two cats because I lost them too. I don’t need to worry about buying presents for my parents because we decided to give the money to the hospice where he died instead.

He won’t wake me up at the crack of dawn Christmas morning, running around like a big kid and trying to find his apron so he can get on with food preparation. He won’t nag me about doing the washing up (he cooked after all), we won’t argue about what film to watch, he won’t fall asleep in front of the TV, having drunk too much at lunchtime. He won’t be asking for turkey sandwiches or another sweet or trying to convince me that it won’t hurt if he has a third mince pie. He won’t be giving me a present that I know damn well he bought at the last minute but, all the same, put so much thought into.

We won’t stay up late, hugging on the sofa, watching rubbish and scoffing chocolates. We won’t be going to bed together tired but happy and we won’t fall asleep in each others arms, each of us knowing that we are loved.

Instead I have the offer of going to Rome with my best friend as I did last year and the year before. I would spend Christmas and New Year with his friends and family who are all incredibly lovely and make so much effort……I’m dreading it. Everyone makes me feel welcome, they’re Italian so they try and feed me every five minutes and when I’m not being fed, someone is hugging me or telling me something I can’t understand…..I’m dreading it. I would probably laugh, drink too much, have far too many late nights and be drowned in a cacophony of endless chatter. During the day I’ll be with good friends, explore Rome, take motorbike rides though the beautiful countryside outside the city, take photos, drink the mind-blowingly strong coffee and eat cake….

And feel totally separate from all of it and more alone  and more trapped than I feel at any other time of the year. You can’t escape from the jollity at Christmas and, if you’ve lost your husband, wife or partner, you can fully participate in it either because the best part of Christmas is sharing it with someone you love……..

I’m sorry that this is such a dismal, feeling sorry for myself post but this is the worst year yet for me and it will be the fifth without my husband; I don’t understand why it doesn’t get any easier……

Lisa x

Author: All About Life

Middle-aged 20 something

35 thoughts on “I’m Dreading It…”

  2. Oh Lisa. My heart really goes out to you. I have always dreaded Christmas but unlike you I really have no reason to (except the boxing day meal with Susan’s sister, which is a trial).

    I wish I could say or do something to help but I feel totally useless.

    Sending you hugs!

    xx

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  3. (((((Lisa)))))).

    I haven’t lost anybody in the usual sense of the word, but I hate Christmas too. Lots of reasons for me. All terrible ones. I won’t go into them. But I feel for you, so much. I cannot put on false jollity, and spend most of it crying, and longing for the day when it has all passed. New Year, too. I feel sick at tbe thoughts of it all, and have been trying to be positive and fairly normal on my Blog when really I feel like screaming. But then that would drive everyone away from my Blog. Which I don’t want to do. So today, so far, I have not blogged. Maybe later! But I WANT to write, as you have What I REALLY feel. But I have noticed that when I do, often people run away. So I don’t want to make them run away!

    I am SO glad you have written this Lisa, i have no words to offer except I care, and understand, and weep WITH you. Take care dear friend. As much as you can. AND, you know wbere I am. Just an email away. In any case, I will be thinking of you. Lots and lots of love. and gentle hugs xoxo

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    1. I’m glad I’m not the only one and I’m sorry that you’re feeling the same way Lorraine.
      I get what you mean about driving people away but I have always written my blog just for me and, if people come and go, it’s no biggie really although there are definitely some that I’d miss, including you.
      Love, hugs and thanks xxx

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      1. You are very welcome Lisa. I understand about you writing your Blog just for yourself. I guess I started mine simply to provide a platform for my pietry, but then I discovered that this is a community. I was very surprised. Nicely so. I did then get into kind of writing stuff about myself and my life, and my pains and sorrows. But then felt bad after lol. So I vowed just to stick to the poetry, although that tells a story in itself. It is strange really. The tension between what you feel inside, and what you put out there.

        Anyway, whatever, I do understand gruef, though not over a husband. I can truly relate to grief. I HAVE list people very clise and dear to me, like my Nan, and my Dad. Not at all the same as a partner though. But grief cones in so many wats doesn’t it. I know I feel totalky black right now, and trapped in Cbrustmas! Yuk! Roll on January 2nd! Oh, and I hate Christmas Carols too. I go bananas when I hear them! Plus I too hate the food side of it. We’ll get through I guess, Lisa. Just about! Xxxx

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  5. I think that, deep down, many more will share your thoughts than will openly admit it. There is an awful amount of false bon homie over holidays, and Christmas in particular. It’s bound to be difficult when you know that you can never ever have the same joyous time that you had with your husband. What you do have, though, is the great memories to savour, to enjoy, and, indeed, to cry over.
    Whatever you end up doing I hope you have some fun time along the way.
    Hugs, and lots of good health and happiness in 2019.

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  6. This is definitely a tough time of the year for those who are alone, especially if they have recently lost loved ones. Maybe, after a while, you’ll be able to face Christmastime with a little less of a sense of loss. I hope so.

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  7. When you share what you think and feel, it does not make me feel bad. I will dance through some things I’d rather not do, but my choices are to do them, smile, and be happy; or be seen as a jerk. Maybe I can manage both. But I will dread some of it for certain. I have mastered smiling and nodding cheerfully while dreading. I did not look away and I do not think anyone should.

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  8. I completely understand how you feel, and where I’m at, Christmas isn’t celebrated as it would be in the states. That being said, being away from America has kind of made me apathetic toward Christmas in general, at least the commercialism aspect of it. I understand your feelings around this time of year with the loss of loved ones. I haven’t been able to see my family in years, and I often think about not being around them and have also lost some during this time. It is never easy, but yes you always do have the good memories that you can hold on to. Hugs, peace, and blessings to you.

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  11. I think this is a wonderfully honest post Lisa. Of course it holds to many perhaps a dismal view of Christmas, but l don’t, l think it holds the factual point of view of lost love and memories with that love. But you do have the memories Lisa, and they are what hold you together.

    When l was 24 [November 1987] , l was involved in a serious car crash, where my Son of 18 months and my fiance died. As she was dying she told me to not stop moving forwards. For the next 30 years whilst l remembered her deeply, my guilt, a false guilt as l was not to blame, kept me from enjoying life. I wasn’t able to enjoy Christmas and finally, last November [30 years] l purged my own demons on it all. I have just celebrated the 31st year, but the first true year if that makes for sense. I know longer feel guilty for having the good memories. You see Lisa, your memories of your husband will always be with you, and in so doing he will always be with you. They only go when we let them go. He sounded like a fun loving guy who wanted to have fun at Christmas, who loved you and loved that you were together, well remember those with fondness.

    I wish l could say it gets easier, but that would be a lie, however time does heal, and more so when you let time heal you. I carried grief for too long and almost lost sight of who they were and what they meant to me.

    Go to Rome, because it’s not just you there, but hubby too 🙂

    Rory xx

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    1. Thank you so much for sharing your story with me Rory and for what you’ve said here – it really does mean an awful lot to me, more than you can know.
      You are right, it is the guilt that stops me from really moving forward and I know that I need to let it go……I just don’t know how…..
      A huge hug to you my friend :O) xxx

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      1. Thank you Lisa … it is guilt, it makes us enemies of ourselves, l wrote this in 2009, it’s one of the very few poems you will ever see RB’d by me on a regular basis. But that year was the first year l was able to start forgiving myself a bit, and yet it still took me another 8 years to finally welcome the ‘let go’.

        https://aguycalledbloke.blog/2018/12/01/forgotten-years-a-writers-sorrow/

        Let time heal you Lisa, but don’t slip into the chasm l did 🙂 xx

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  13. I adore this post, and I adore you, Lisa. I enjoy the heck out of it all, but I wouldn’t, not a bit, without the missus. Life, as I see it, is about the emotion of it and you helped me here to feel the feels. Bless you, sister, and know that we send our love from across the world. Have the best Christmas possible. Go. Drink. Chatter. Explore. And tell us about it all when you are done. Because we all want to feel those feels, as well. ❤️

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