Falling

Falling

A slow ascent

Rising

Gentle descent

Falling

A slow ascent

Rising

Gentle descent

Reaching

For the ground

Searching

Heaven beneath

Finding

Purgatory

Climbing

Always lower

Touching

Stars underfoot

Feeling

You. Here but lost.

Sometimes poems just need to come out…….

Lisa x

Lost

Stumbling in the half light, trying to find the path

Where a foal once led my inner child, sure footed

Don’t look back, therein lies the darkness, she implored

Stumbling in the half light, trying to find the path

Where a foal once led my inner child, sure footed

Don’t look back, therein lies the darkness, she implored

My inner child let go a silent tear, I turned

Away from her. My foal would guard her innocence

As they waited for my return to the sunlight

Until then the shadows beckon, corrosive gloom

Familiar. You wait there but no longer there

Slowly fading. I search blindly, seeing no end

But needing to look. Why can’t I see anymore?

Hands outstretched, desperate to feel your loving touch

 I hear no sound, no calling voice to guide me back

A scent so longed for dissipated, nothing there

At once light steps in the distance distract my mind

Foal and inner child can wait no more so they come

We will meet again in joyful reunion,

They will not scold, the pull of the darkness stays strong

But I will still regret the hours, days far away

Lost.

 

Lisa x

Not Enough

The laughs, the smiles

The pain, the guilt

The faces, places

The loss, the fear

The laughs, the smiles

The pain, the guilt

The faces, places

The loss, the fear

The love. Unloved

Life full, black void

Empty heart

Closed mind

Thrills and spills

Found and lost

So fast. Fleeting

Moments free

Not enough.

Without You.

This poem was inspired by one line from the film An Interview with a Vampire:

“Life has no meaning for you anymore, the wine has no taste, food sickens you and there seems no reason for any of it”

I felt that way for a very long time and some days I still do………..

Lisa x

For You………..

I know that there are many of you out there in Wordpress land who are grieving for the loss of someone dear to you. I know too that, sometimes, grief can make you feel very, very alone; you’re not. This song is for all of you because I know that you will understand……

I know, from reading your posts, that there are many of you out there in WordPress land who are grieving for the loss of someone dear to you. I know too that, sometimes, grief can make you feel very, very alone; you’re not. This song is for all of you because I know that you will understand……

I picked up your shirts this morning
I don’t know why, I don’t know why
Mr Reynolds said to say hello
I started to cry, I started to cry
Every place we ever walked and
Everywhere we talked, I miss you
You never leave my mind
So much of you is left behind
You took my days with you
Took my nights with you
Those unfinished conversations
We used to have still speak to me
And I write you letters every day
That I’ll never send and you’ll never see
All this wishful thinking
Gets me nowhere I can’t stay
Though my heart is broken
It keeps breaking every day
You took my hopes with you
Took my dreams with you
I keep thinking that you’ll be calling
Everyone says that it’s all in my head
And I can’t accept it yet
I’m not ready to just give in
I know that I can’t live in this pain
With these feelings of regret
I can’t comprehend this
And pretend that I don’t care
Any place I wanna be
I wanna see you there
You took my life with you
Took my world with you
I first heard this song last night on some sort of talent show compilation that I was watching on YouTube (what? I was bored) and I played it over and over. This morning I decided that I wanted to share it so I tracked down where it came from and found this video; I’d like to say it’s the first cartoon that’s made me cry but it’s not………
To be honest, I’m not sure why I need to say this now, today, but I do:
You’re not alone
Lisa
x

Fly

Fly

Far. Away

From my view

With a load given freely

Precious cargo, such damaged goods

Fly

Far. Away

From my view

With a load given freely

Precious cargo, such damaged goods

Carefully arranged pieces, wrapped in memory

Held together with a fragile filament, don’t let it fall

Keep it safe in a leaden vault, lock it tight but return the key

To me. Time will pass, fissures close. One day I will claim it once again

Take it willingly from your blackened claws, my tender, loving, broken heart……

Lisa

x

 

 

Break Over Me….

You entice me with your power and force

You undulate, gentle but oh so strong

I long to fall, roll and revel with you

You entice me with your power and force

You undulate, gentle but oh so strong

I long to fall, roll and revel with you

I speak not of love but the sea, of course

You beckon me with such a subtle song

Dark azure water, moving, ever new

Take me to your depths, I will come freely

Give myself to you, stay with you, forget

Walking into your cold embrace, easy

I speak of love, still not forgotten yet

But lost. I will come, lie with you. Free me.

I watch the sea from my apartment every day; the way it changes colour depending on the weather, the way it moves, I’ve seen its power but I’m always calmed in its presence. In reality, I would never give up my life to the sea but I can understand those who do and this was written for them.

Lisa x

 

Tough Decisions…..

Morning chaps, how are we all today? If you’ve got a minute I could really use your advice with something because I just cannot decide what to do. To explain, I’ve been living alone for more than 4 years now and, to be honest, I feel pretty lonely some of the time. Yesterday, a friend came up with a solution that would also involve helping others at the same time. Should be easy to say ‘yes’ shouldn’t it but…….

Morning chaps, how are we all today? If you’ve got a minute I could really use your advice with something because I just cannot decide what to do. To explain, I’ve been living alone for more than 4 years now and, to be honest, I feel pretty lonely some of the time. Yesterday, a friend came up with a solution that would also involve helping others at the same time. Should be easy to say ‘yes’ shouldn’t it but…….

Her idea was for me to take on the training of a guide dog puppy, you know, those adorable bundles of fluff that eat your furniture and capture your heart? As soon as she said it I broke into the biggest smile and my instant answer was ‘yes!!!!! I want a puppy!!!’ As she’s not one to let the grass grow under her feet, she whisked me off to the local Guide Dog Centre and we had a long chat with the lady in charge. She was lovely and explained everything to me; they would pay for the food and vets bills and the dog would live with me in my apartment. Once a month we would attend training classes at the centre and I would be expected to walk the dog twice a day, instill discipline and give  it bucket loads of affection….

This is where things started to get tricky because I know myself well. The affection would be no problem as I am desperate to have something to love; I have friends and family of course but no real outlet for the love that just seems to sit inside my chest in a huge leaden lump. Relationships with people are tricky and complex but animals love unconditionally and I crave that simplicity of feeling.

The exercise would certainly be easy as I am happy to walk for miles and I can’t help thinking that a puppy would be more fun than my i-phone which is what I usually have for company. The other upside of training a guide dog is that, unlike other dogs, they can go anywhere with you so, basically, we could do everything together….

The problem would definitely be the discipline side of things – saying no when the little tyke wants to sleep on the bed with me (not allowed) or curl up on the sofa next to me in the evening (not allowed) or wants to pick the choicest tidbits from my plate (definitely not allowed). I would have to concentrate on the dog’s training because, after all, he would be doing a job and that won’t be possible if I allow him to do whatever he feels like.

These thoughts were all hurtling through my mind at a rate of knots when, all of a sudden, they all crashed to a standstill to make room for a new one which entered the arena with all guns blazing…….

“you’re going to have to say goodbye”

Although, it had been mentioned a few minutes before I hadn’t really cottoned on to the significance of something the boss lady had said: ‘the training is for one year’. So, after living with, walking, training, playing and loving an animal for one year it would be taken away to live with someone else. That someone would need this dog, would be reliant on it, would deserve it……

 

I would love to be able to help someone in that way, this is such a very good cause! I love dogs and would just adore to have one around, even though I know it could chew its way through most of my possessions BUT I don’t know that I could say goodbye. I’ve done that too many times in the last few years and I don’t know that I could cope with it again.

So, here’s my question: Is the love that I’ll share for one year worth the pain of saying goodbye? I honestly don’t know so I’d really appreciate any advice that you have to offer

Lisa

x

 

Keep It Inside…..

That beast you feel, locked deep within

Shredding your soul with casual contempt

Force it back though it sears your skin

From inside. Tearing pain with each attempt

That beast you feel, locked deep within

Shredding your soul with casual contempt

Force it back though it sears your skin

From inside. Tearing pain with each attempt

At freedom. It begs release with silent roar

Climbing higher with vicious blind intent

Hold tight, keep it back with all strength in your core

Though it promises no more than sad lament

How can you trust this creature built of pain

Who claws at your throat, again and again

The beast is strong, it surges, ready to fly

Too hard, no more,  let it go

And cry….

Lisa

x

You Should………

Do you find that, everywhere you look these days, there is someone telling you ‘you should’? There are millions of ads, books, magazine articles and, yes, blogs which all tell us how we ‘should’ be living our lives. Your glass ‘should’ be half full, you ‘should’ believe in yourself, keeping moving forward, take risks, get out of your comfort zone, be responsible for your own happiness……..

Do you find that, everywhere you look these days, there is someone telling you ‘you should’? There are millions of ads, books, magazine articles and, yes, blogs which all tell us how we ‘should’ be living our lives. Your glass ‘should’ be half full, you ‘should’ believe in yourself, keeping moving forward, take risks, get out of your comfort zone, be responsible for your own happiness……..

Most of the time I will read these messages avidly and try to tailor my thoughts and emotions so that I can keep my face towards the sunshine while the shadows fall behind me. I try to live as if I were going to die tomorrow and examine my life so I know it’s worth living. I bear in mind that problems are gifts that will help me to grow. I’ve read the books, watched the videos and walked across hot coals and, for the most part, it works…..

Today it’s not working. Today I think that I ‘should’ be with my husband and I have no other thought than that. No amount of mental arse-kicking will push me out of my comfort zone and into the oncoming traffic of rainbow coloured unicorns! It’s been more than four years now that I’ve done the things that I ‘should’, to feel better, to feel happy but still it all fails to take root. All it takes is a word, a song, a smell and I am plunged back into the stinking pit of pain and misery that kept me prisoner for so long.

“It is not my situation but how I react to it that matters”

Tomorrow would have been my husband’s 63rd birthday. We would have organised a night away in a hotel, a great bottle of wine, a fantastic meal. I would have spent weeks thinking about something original to buy him and he would have insisted on some kind of power tool, the same as he did every year. We would have dressed up to the nines and spent the evening together, no-one else, just the two of us……..

“Happiness is a choice, I can choose to be happy”

Instead, I feel as though my heart, that I have tried so carefully to put back together, is breaking into little pieces all over again. I ‘should’ be grateful for the good things I have in my life now, I ‘should’ remember that I was lucky to be so loved, I ‘should’ remember all our happy times together, I ‘should’ let you go so that I can move on.

There are lots of things that I ‘should’ do but today I can’t, I just can’t.

Lisa x

Almost……

Almost. The scent of your skin

Almost. The sound of your laugh

Almost. The taste of your lips 

Almost. The sight of your smile

Almost. The touch of your hand 

Almost. The scent of your skin

Almost. The sound of your laugh

Almost. The taste of your lips

Almost. The sight of your smile

Almost. The touch of your hand

Almost. Not quite.

Five senses. Alive. Almost.

 

Lisa

x