How Can I Help You….?

Have you ever been in a situation where someone was trying to help you but all they actually succeeded in doing was to take you to levels of frustration that made you want to rip off your own arm so you could knock yourself unconscious just to avoid being subject to their assistance for a single second longer?

Have you ever been in a situation where someone was trying to help you but all they actually succeeded in doing was to take you to levels of frustration that made you want to rip off your own arm so you could knock yourself unconscious just to avoid being subject to their assistance for a single second longer?

“Thank you for calling Bonkey’s Bank, your call is very important to us, please hold the line”

You call is important to us9 interminable minutes pass during which I am subjected to the same 12 bars of Greensleeves over and over again (surely this is musical torture?) whilst being repeatedly assured that I am very important and, when I finally get to speak to someone, they will be delighted to help me.

“Thank you for your patience, how may we help you today?”

Finally, right……

“If you would like to give us some more of your hard earned cash press 1”

“If you would like to buy some crappy insurance product that won’t ever pay out even if you’re rear ended by Donald Trump, please press 2”

“If you’d like to know how much of your money we have stashed away press 3”

“For anything else press 4”

“Thank you for your patience”

You’re welcome, look can………

“Please explain in a few words how we can help you today, for example ‘What is my current balance'”

“My card does not work”

“You have a problem with your card? Correct?”

YES!

“Please hold”

screamsIt’s at this point that I’m glad phones no longer have cords as I’d be gnawing my way through it by now..

“We will shortly put you through to one of our advisors but first please answer the following security questions:

“Please say the 19th and 42nd characters of your security password”

Ummm….hang on……..

“Do you need me to repeat the question?”

No, just wait, you’re putting me off

“Please say the 19th and 42nd characters of your security password”

N and !

“N and !?”

Yes

“Thank you”

“Please confirm the time of your birth for example ’04h 32m'”

Are you fucking kidding me with this??

“Would you like me to repeat the question”

No, no, wait…..it was…….19h 47m

“I’m afraid this does not match the answer that we have in our records, please hold…”

A further 8 minutes of white noise interspersed with “please hold”; apparently my call is no longer important…….

“Good morning my name is Brian, how may I help you?”

Are you real?

“Yes Madam, how may I help you today”

Great! Look, I’ve tried to use my card this morning but it’s not working”

“Ok, no problem I can help you with that, we just need to go through some security questions”

But I’ve just done that and I can’t remember the exact moment of my birth, I mean I was there obviously but…….

“OK, calm down Madame, I’ll find some other questions for you to answer”

Calm? I’m calm! God I need a coffee!

“Can you please give me the 14th and 33rd characters from  your password”

I’ve already done that one!!!

“There’s no need to shout Madame, were you asked exactly that question?”

Well no but it was still about my password and….oh forget it, hang on

Mental acrobats and a desire for 34 fingers ensues……

Hello, are you still there?……Hello….

“Yes Madame”

Right it’s G and *

“Correct, thank you”

Waves of relief roll off me….and then a slight sense of urgency….I really need to go to the loo

“Can you give me the date and amount of 1 direct debit on your account please”

Well not off the top of my head no

“………”

Oh bloody hell, wait a minute, I’ll need to log on to my account”

“Hello, yes right, I’m in! the 2nd of each month, £10 to Battersea Dog’s home”

“I know, did you see Crispin with that muffin yesterday, it was hysterical!”

Hello!!!! Excuse me Brian are you there?

“Yes Madame, I do apologise. That was correct and you have passed security, now how I can I help you today”

Finally! Yes, it’s about my card, it’s not working

“Ok, I’ll look into that for you now, please hold”

5 minutes of silence from Brian; I think I can hear Crispin in the background explaining the muffin situation but I’m not 100% sure………

“Hello Madame are you still there”

Just……“.

“Right, well it seems as though there was a suspected fraudulent transaction on your account yesterday and your card has been blocked”

Oh bloody hell!! How much did I lose?”

“99p”

Excuse me?

“99p but obviously you understand we have to take matters of security very seriously indeed”

Yes, I get that but I can live with losing 99p, can you please just unblock my card for me, I need it

“I can’t I’m afraid Madame, I need to put you through to our fraud investigation department, please hold”

No, no….. wait…….. don’t you dare………oh sod it!

Not again.jpg11 minutes later, during which I assumed that Brian was discussing my 99p and Crispin’s muffin….

“Good morning Madame, my name is Tanya, how can I help you today”

You’ve blocked my card and I need it

“Ok no problem, I can help you with that; I just need to take you through some security questions”

WT actual F!! I’ve just been through all that……twice!”

“Madame, if you use that kind of language again I will terminate this call”

Right, OK, sorry, not your fault I know, give me the question..”

“Can you give me the 7th and 29th characters from your password please”

Fast forward 4 intensely frustrating minutes during which I was eventually proved to be myself…

“Ok, I’ve found that transaction, it was for iTunes”

Well that’s not fraud, I did download something yesterday

Small lap of honour around the living room (as much to take my mind off my aching bladder as anything else; I should not have had that coffee while I was on hold and I certainly should not have had the second one!)

“OK, Madame, well thank you for confirming that for us, we should have your new card with you within the next 3 working days”

WT…..sorry? New card?

“Well yes Madame, your card was blocked so we need to send you a new one”

Can’t you just unblock it?

“No I’m afraid not, it’s a question of security”

Bangs head repeatedly on door frame…….nope still conscious!

“Right OK, just send a new card then please. You do know I live in France right?”

“Um, oh yes, OK then that will be around 10 working days”

Need for a wee overides any desire to verbally flay robot person on the other end of the phone.

“Right. Ok. Thanks”

“Thank you Madame, is there anything else I can help you with today?”

Hysterical laughter and mad dash for the bathroom ensues………

Have a great day everyone :O)

Lisa x

 

 

You Have 3 Wishes…….

Have you ever dreamed about finding a beautiful antique lamp, giving it a good old rub and then being scared shitless when a genie pops out? No, of course you haven’t, it’s a day dream, you move on past reality and focus on the 3 wishes part but how would that really pan out I wonder?

Have you ever dreamed about finding a beautiful antique lamp, giving it a good old rub and then being scared shitless when a genie pops out? No, of course you haven’t, it’s a day dream, you move on past reality and focus on the 3 wishes part but how would that really pan out I wonder?

“WTF”?!?!?!?!??!?!?!?

“I do not understand Master”

“fffffff………….!!!!”

“Master, come back, I am a Djinn and you released me from my prison of many years”

“What???? You were in prison???? Oh God help me!!!!” desperate sobbing ensues

“No Master, you do not understand, the lamp was my prison and you freed me”

“I knew I should have eaten that brownie, Ye Olde Teashop my arse, it was one of those new age places wasn’t it? Yep that’s the only explanation, you’re a hallucination. I’ll just lie down for a little while and you’ll go away” sighs with relief

“Master I am no illusion, I am a Genie and I want to give you 3 wishes in thanks for my freedom”

“Yeeeeesssssss of course you are, well I wish I hadn’t eaten that bloody brownie that’s for damn sure as mustard!”

“Alakassoma!” An unnecessarily dramatic waving of arms and a flash of light follows

“I’m starving! Do you think I’ve got the munchies?”

“Master, again, forgive me I do not understand”

“Oh, you’re still here. I don’t suppose you’ve got a KitKat on you by any chance?”

“You wish for a KitKat?”

“Well yes, if you got one, don’t go to any trouble or anything”

“Alakassoma!”

There was a small ‘pouff’; in the Genie’s opinion, fishing a KitKat out of his pocket didn’t really warrant a blinding flash of light. He was also a little bit miffed as he was looking forward to having that with a cup of tea later……

“munchhh, munchhh, mmmmmm, delicious, I haven’t had a KitKat for ages”

“No me either………..Anyway, Master, you still have one wish remaining, please tell me what it is that you most desire”

The Genie was beginning to wish he was back in his lamp watching reruns of ‘I Dream of Jeanie” with his feet up.

“Sorry what did you say? Listen, I don’t suppose you’ve got a tissue have you, the chocolate’s melted and I’ve got it all over the place”

“Well, if you’d just eaten it like a normal person instead of trying to nibble every last morsel of chocolate from around the edges…………Forgive me Master, was that your final wish?”

“Well yes, if you’ve got one handy, this shirt’s new and I don’t want to get it all grubby, I’ve got a date later”

“Here!” The Genie didn’t bother with Alakassoma! Some people just weren’t worth the effort quite frankly.

“Oh it’s great to be home! Where did I put the remote? I can’t believe that bastard took my KitKat!”

“How much is the lamp? Great, it’s the perfect finishing touch for my new apartment, mind you I’ll have to give it a damn good clean when I get it home”

Have a wonderful day everyone and, if you meet a Djinn, think long and hard before you answer any questions ;O)

Lisa

x

 

Loins Girded……

Do you find that, when you’re really not looking forward to something, you have a mental process which allows you to pull up your big girl (or boy) panties and just get out there and do it? It’s the mental equivalent of a kick up the arse. It could involve deep breathing or visualizing a positive rather than negative experience, a quick shot of vodka, who knows, it’s different for everyone.

Do you find that, when you’re really not looking forward to something, you have a mental process which allows you to pull up your big girl (or boy) panties and just get out there and do it? It’s the mental equivalent of a kick up the arse. It could involve deep breathing or visualizing a positive rather than negative experience, a quick shot of vodka, who knows, it’s different for everyone.

Well that was me yesterday morning before I set off for the chamber of psychological torture hairdressers. If you read my post from yesterday (a big thank you if you did by the way) you’ll know that this is not exactly a pleasurable experience for me. If you can imagine how it would feel to have Torquemada turning up on your porch and telling you he’d like a quick chat……it’s a bit like that.

Anyway, loins suitably girded, I set off. The salon is in a hotel in Monaco so the first job was finding it (never an easy task for me); luckily a very nice chap offered to show me the way :O) He left me at the lift and said

“It’s the first door on your left”

“Great thanks!”

“The other left Madam”

“……………!!!”

So I entered the salon slightly flushed and silently cursing my ability to differentiate my left from my right when I’m stressed. Thankfully, despite being 10 minutes early,  I did not have to wait so there was no temptation to bury my nose in glossy hair magazines which would give me unrealistic expectations as to what could actually be achieved during my visit.

I popped my arms into a straight jacket gown and was then deposited, with a bottle of chilled Evian (nice touch) in front of a…..WTF!!!!! Not your usual head and shoulders sized mirror, oh no, this was a full floor to ceiling, show every flaw in every part of your body and make you seriously question why you chose to wear those pink shorts mirror. Mwiffle!

Next shock was the arrival of a man.

“Hi! I’m going to be looking after you today”

What? A bloke was going to be doing my hair????”

“Um right, ok, great thanks. I should tell you, I’m English and my French really isn’t very good” (I said in French – don’t be impressed, it’s a well practiced line)

“Don’t worry Madam I speak almost no English”

I think he thought that this would make me feel better. It didn’t.

Some words in French that I did not understand

“I’m sorry I don’t understand” (very useful phrase learned very early on!)

After several minutes of rephrasing and Gallic gesticulations I worked out that he was asking me how my hair had been blonded at my last hairdressers

“No idea really, she just sort of painted some stuff on my hair and voila!”

peas up noseHe gave me the sort of look usually reserved for young children trying to shove peas up their nose and launched into an explanation of the countless options that were available to me.

“Look, I really think it would be best if I just left it to you, you’re the expert after all. However I think I should tell you that I hate my hair and I always hope that hairdressers will perform miracles with it”

At this point I expected him to pale slightly and mutter something about doing his best as had always happened in the past but he didn’t..

“And what would the miracle look like?”

Oh shit! How do I answer that?

“Um, I’m not really sure to be honest…”

I went back to being the pea stuffing toddler.

Anyway, except for a brief discussion about the football (brief because I have no interest in and know nothing about football) and the weather (well, I am English), I let him get on with things.

My hair was painted (30 minutes in front of the mirror trying to avoid eye contact with my reflection), rinsed, painted again (further 45 minutes trying to understand articles in Marie Claire – French version), rinsed, conditioned and rinsed again.

Finally I was ready for THE CUT.

Edward ScissorhandsThere was no discussion. I think he’d realised that it was futile by this point so he set about doing terribly creative things with several different pairs of scissors. However, he did tell me that he’d spent 15 years working in a salon in Paris, the style capital of the World. I was somewhat comforted by this revelation but still found myself gripping the arms of the chair very hard; I think you could probably see the nail  marks if you looked hard enough.

He finished cutting, ignored the rising panic in my eyes and armed himself with a small tub of some blue goo and a hairdryer. 10 minutes later and he was done.

“You can open your eyes now Madame”

“Mmm?”

“Open your eyes”

I did. One at a time. Slowly.

“Wow! It looks great” Big smile of relief….and that was just from him!

So, there you have it, all that worrying and loin girding and for what? Honestly why do I make such a fuss about these stupid little things?

“So with the hair serum (what, it smelt nice!) that will be an astronomical amount of Euros”

hair meResigning myself to living on baguettes and cheese for the next couple of weeks I handed over my card and made another appointment for 6 weeks time. I sincerely hope that I will remember this experience and have no need to gird my loins in the future……….I probably won’t.

Oh yes, I knew there was something else. I saw my best friend later in the day; I opened the door to him grinning proudly, his comment:

“I thought you said you were going to the hairdressers today” Men!

Please do let me know about the last time you needed to do a spot of loin girding, I’d love to hear from you.

Lisa x

 

 

Impending Sense of Dread……

Is there anything that have to do, on a regular basis, that you really hate doing? You know what I mean, it’s necessary, but if you could put it off you would and you find yourself always getting a teeny bit stressed the day before. Maybe it’s going to the dentist or monthly meetings at work, medical check ups, that kind of thing; the kind of appointment that you’re never going to forget because we don’t ever forget the things that we’re dreading……..Yes? You get where I’m coming from? Good, I’m so glad I’m not alone in this. 

Is there anything that have to do, on a regular basis, that you really hate doing? You know what I mean, it’s necessary, but if you could put it off you would and you find yourself always getting a teeny bit stressed the day before. Maybe it’s going to the dentist or monthly meetings at work, medical check ups, that kind of thing; the kind of appointment that you’re never going to forget because we don’t ever forget the things that we’re dreading……..Yes? You get where I’m coming from? Good, I’m so glad I’m not alone in this.

For me it’s going to the hairdresser. You heard right; the world of head massages, glossy magazines and heavenly smelling shampoos. Hate it! Why? Well, the reasons are many fold:

Firstly, my hair has a fear of hairdressers. For a week before I make an appointment it will lie around listlessly feeling sorry for itself; there’s a lot of infighting with small groups of hair doing their own thing and refusing to play well with others, that sort of thing. Then what happens? Lo and behold, the morning of the appointment, they all decide to work together and organise themselves into perfectly styled shininess. Damn them all the way to Hades!

By then it’s too late to cancel so, with a feeling of deep trepidation I head off to the torture chamber  salon. Now, as I have a pathological fear of being late, I will always have about 15 minutes to wait before I am called to the rack chair. I am usually offered a cup of coffee (which I refuse as I don’t want to have to ask someone who has a sharp implement held close to my ears where the toilets are) and a selection of magazines…..

hairThey are either glossy magazines full of young model types looking beautifully vacant and slightly depressed or they are chocked full of equally stunning women with amazing hairstyles. I should have learned over the years to politely decline the magazines, along with the coffee, but I haven’t so I look at the lovely pictures.

At my designated appointment time I am escorted over to a workstation by a woman with perfect hair who sits me down in front of a mirror, over which has been placed, the kind of strip lighting that would make Elle McPherson reach for her bronzer and touche eclat!

At this point she will ask the dreaded question:

“So what are we going to do today?”

How the hell would I know? Why are you asking me that question? I don’t take my car in for a service and expect to tell the mechanic what he should be doing with it; I trust that he knows one end of a dipstick from the other and let him get on with it!

In response I generally pass over the magazine that I’ve been clutching in my sweaty little paw and point to a picture with a hopeful smile

“Something like that?”

“Hmm yes it’s lovely but the model has really thick hair and, in my experience, a cut doesn’t usually add length”

“Ha ha right no of course, well whatever you think……..”

haircutNo amount of interrogation, gentle probing, by the slightly apprehensive looking stylist can illicit a more helpful response so she gets on with the job in hand and I sit there with my eyes closed silently praying.

After she has finished her ministrations

“There all done, what do you think?”

Bugger!

What a question to ask!! Now I’ve got to lie and live with a hairstyle I hate for the next few weeks until I have to go through the whole torturous experience again or I have to be honest and watch her face fall…

“Look, it’s not you, it’s my hair, honestly it’s hopeless” I gabble; I’m flushed and trying to stop my bottom lip  from trembling

Resignedly I hand over my cash with a weak smile and walk out, convincing myself that it will look better once it’s grown in a bit and the colour has toned down a few shades……

hermioneWhy oh why did they give me those bloody magazines? Why did I read them? I wouldn’t have had ridiculous expectations of a life-changing new style if I’d been reading Harry Potter (unless it was the bit where Hermione has discovered Sleakeazy’s hair potion). Oh well, I’ve got no-one to blame but myself……and all those gorgeous bloody young women with their stupid, shiny, perfect hair!

So, where am I off to today? Yep, you’ve guessed it – the hairdresser……..a new hairdresser (my old one who I’d got used to and could talk me off most hair related ledges has, rather inconsiderately, decided to be 8 months pregnant and stop working)……in Monaco…..where I will have to translate my neuroses into French. Meep!

I’ll report back later…………or I’ll be sorting through my collection of paper bags and trying them on for size….

If you’re off to do that thing you hate today please feel free to share your misery in the comments ;O)

Lisa

x

The Gabbling Blonde and The Electrician

I am not blonde by birth but by inclination and, sometimes, by action. It’s not that I am unintelligent but just a bit dippy, an airhead if you will. Not all the time you understand, sometimes days can go by without me doing or saying something daft, unfortunately today was not one of those days……..

I am not blonde by birth but by inclination and, sometimes, by action. It’s not that I am unintelligent but just a bit dippy, an airhead if you will. Not all the time you understand, sometimes days can go by without me doing or saying something daft, unfortunately today was not one of those days……..

I live in the South of France which means that I’ve had to learn French and, though I say it myself, my studies have not gone too badly, I can get by. However, I do get in a bit of a flap when I’m meeting someone for the first time. Today, I had a visit from an electrician who had to change a box on the wall which apparently keeps track of how much electricity I use. As he was doing technical stuff, he used technical French which means that I stared at him blankly for a few minutes until he got less technical and I could understand what he was saying. He was trying to determine where in the building the main electricity supply was housed; my reply was:

“No idea” (not very helpful I know but I did smile as I said it!)

Someone probably told me when I moved in but I don’t really take much notice of that type of thing because, well to be honest, I have absolutely zero interest.

Anyhoo, he managed to track it down on his own and set about doing whatever it was he was there to do. He informed me that he would need to turn off the electricity for a few minutes while he worked

“No problem” says I, proud of the fact that I knew what he was saying.

At this point I should explain that I tend to gabble a bit when I meet new people as I get nervous and self-conscious; too many words is definitely the order of the day. I get very puppy like, sort of bouncing around and being overly friendly. True to form I chatted away about nothing for a few minutes while he tried hard to concentrate and then asked him if he’d like a coffee.

“Yes, I’d love one”

“Great! I’ll get right on it” I said bounding up the stairs.

He called up and asked me if I had an Espresso machine. I was a bit bemused and wondered if he was just fussy about his coffee (it’s a thing in France) and said yes. There was a slight pause and then he said

“but that runs on electricity no”?

“Yeeeessssss” says I wondering if he has an unhealthy interest in coffee machines

“Madame, you just watched me turn off the electricity”

Merde!

“Oh yes, so I did, how funny!” I forced out a hearty laugh and fled back upstairs red faced. I’m sure I heard him say

“N’importe quoi”

under his breath which is sort of a verbal French eye roll. A bit harsh I thought, I mean, anyone could make that mistake………couldn’t they?

Lisa

x

Something big between my legs…conclusion — Superman can’t find a phone booth

As a lover of motorbikes, dark humour and great writing I just had to share this with you all. I really hope that you enjoy reading it as much as I did xx

As a lover of motorbikes, dark humour and great writing I just had to share this with you all. I really hope that you enjoy reading it as much as I did xx

When I left off, I was lying in the woods, behind a rusty guardrail on a sparsely traveled road. Unconscious. If you would like to catch up you can here, here, and here. “Bill… can you hear me?” a strange voice boomed over me. It was noisy and chaotic, I was freezing and disoriented. The […]

via Something big between my legs…conclusion — Superman can’t find a phone booth

It’s the Little Things……

Do you find that some little, tiny, incidental things really get on your pip or is it just me? For instance, could you find yourself getting toy throwingly irate over a packet of broken biscuits? No? I did. Now, in my defense, I wasn’t having the best of days but, still, as I think back I can’t help but wonder what on earth got into me……..

Do you find that some little, tiny, incidental things really get on your pip or is it just me? For instance, could you find yourself getting toy throwingly irate over a packet of broken biscuits? No? I did. Now, in my defense, I wasn’t having the best of days but, still, as I think back I can’t help but wonder what on earth got into me……..

It was a morning ritual, at the time, to have 2 plain digestive biscuits will a cup of black coffee; it was a high point in what were otherwise pretty stressful days. On this particular morning both biscuits were broken; not into little pieces you understand, just broken in half. It goes without saying that I was not going to shove the whole digestive in my mouth in one go (anyone ever tried that, is it possible?) so what did it matter if they were in two halves? One could argue that it was a blessing as I could, potentially, limit crumbage (you know the biscuit to crumb ration) but I took it as a personal affront. My morning digestives were lesser biscuits, damaged goods and I was not happy about it!

irratttional angerAfter having munched my way through two halves, gradually getting more irritated, I decided to check out the other packets in the box to satisfy myself that tomorrow’s biscuit moment would not be the sad disappointment of today’s. Lo and behold, what did I find but another packet of broken biscuits and then another and another! As I rummaged and muttered to myself about the desecration of something so sacred my secretary called out and asked if everything was OK.

“No it bloody isn’t OK! This is completely unacceptable”

Now she was aware that I had nobody with me and hadn’t been on the phone as we had adjoining offices so there was a brief pause before she said

“What’s the problem”

“It’s these f***ing biscuits!! Have you seen them?” I was yelling a bit at this point

This time there was a slightly longer pause and then

“Nooo not yet they were only delivered this morning, why?”

This was said in the tones of someone trying to persuade a toddler to put down an indelible marker – you don’t know what’s going to happen but, whatever it is, you know it won’t be anything good.

“Come here and look!!!!”

I’m sure I heard a small sigh at this point (we were very busy at this particular point in time) but I didn’t care, this was important!

My secretary was the loveliest, calmest and most unflappable person I’ve ever met which, quite frankly, was just as well.

“Look” I demanded whilst jabbing at the offending biscuits with my rigid digit.

“Yeeesssssss?”

“They’re all broken!! All these biscuits are f***ing broken and I need you to call  the supplier and demand that they send us another box immediately and reimburse us for this box, it’s just not good enough!!!!!”

I was yelling……at her…..about biscuits…….

She looked at me for a moment and said very quietly

“You are my boss and I respect you but, seriously, what are you doing? Get a grip”

Luckily, after I heard these magic words, reality decided to reassert itself and I found that I was laughing at the absurdity of my outrage; the laughter may have had a slightly hysterical ring to it but at least I’d stopped shouting much to the relief of my ever patient secretary.

The strange thing is that I had a lot of seriously stressful things going on at the time – you know work bits and pieces- and none of it really phased me but biscuitgate became the stuff of legend around the office…….it’s the little things ;O)

Please tell me it’s not just me..

Lisa x

 

 

Are You Prepared to Share..

Your most embarrassing moment? Come on, it will be fun you’ll see! I’ll go first because, well, it’s my post and if I don’t it’s going to be a really short one and, quite frankly, not particularly interesting so here goes:

Your most embarrassing moment? Come on, it will be fun you’ll see! I’ll go first because, well, it’s my post and if I don’t it’s going to be a really short one and, quite frankly, not particularly interesting so here goes:

I’m a bit of a kid at heart so one of the things I really love to do is wave jumping which is basically flinging yourself up in the air as the waves come towards you and giggling a lot; trust me, it’s fun. So, anyhoo, I was in Barbados with my husband and, after a few minutes of sunbathing (I have no patience), I decided that the sea looked particularly inviting and wandered off  to indulge my favourite seaside past-time. My husband called out that the sea looked a bit rough and could I please be careful as he was quite happy sunbathing and didn’t want to have to get up to come and rescue me from drowning. I poo-poo’d his concerns and strolled confidently into the surf…..

wave jumpingFor the next 10 minutes or so I had a fantastic time, leaping over the waves, wondering what it would be like to be a dolphin and wondering if I should have a go at surfing. Unfortunately, things went downhill a bit after that. As my husband hadn’t come to join me in my childish pursuits and appeared to be resolutely stuck to his sunbed I decided to attract his attention by shouting and waving at him and it worked! He was mouthing something at me and gesticulating but I couldn’t quite work out what he was referring to so I stopped jumping up and down and tried to make it out.

It was a this point that I was hit, rather violently, over the back of the head by a particularly large wave. I was turned upside down under the water and surfaced a few seconds later feeling somewhat disoriented…..which probably explains why I didn’t see the second giant wave coming. This time I didn’t surface quite so quickly and was, effectively, dragged along the sea floor on my stomach until I reached the shore, gasping for breath and suffering from quite painful sand rash…..

I stood for a moment or two trying to get my bearings so I didn’t immediately realise that my bikini top was hanging around my neck, completely failing to cover what it was intended to cover, and the bottoms were somewhere around my knees. Unfortunately the beach wasn’t deserted and I saw many pairs of eyes upon me as I tried to regain my dignity. I hoiked my bikini back into place and nonchalantly (or so I thought) jogged back to my husband. My attempts at casual elegance were somewhat thwarted by the fact that my bikini bottoms were full of sand and were being dragged back down towards my knees by the weight so I had to stop and empty them half-way back.

dolphin in sunglassesI arrived back at my husband’s sunbed out of breath, very red in the face and close to tears; he looked me up and down and said, with a twinkle in his eye, “you’ve lost your sunglasses then?” Bugger!! On top of everything else my brand new pink Raybans were lost to the ocean or possibly a particularly fashion conscious dolphin……

That was mine – do you dare to tell yours?

Lisa

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To Tickle Your Fancy….

It’s the last day of the working week so what better way to celebrate than to have a hearty chuckle? I’ve put together some videos that really appeal to my sightly bizarre sense of humour in the hope that they will give you a laugh so that you can start your weekend with a big smile on your face :O)

It’s the last day of the working week so what better way to celebrate than to have a hearty chuckle? I’ve put together some videos that really appeal to my sightly bizarre sense of humour in the hope that they will give you a laugh so that you can start your weekend with a big smile on your face :O)

I did have a fairly serious and in depth post planned for today but I only had about 5 hours sleep last night and I’ve got a busy day ahead so I thought, sod it, do something fun instead so here goes:

 

Didn’t think that hamsters could be entertaining? The first time I saw this I just could not stop laughing and, even hours later, every time I thought about it I’d start giggling again..

This guy is the only reason I log onto Twitter these days; without his captions the videos he posts wouldn’t be that funny but with them they are hilarious………..

This might only appeal to me because I live in France (excuse the bad language in the video by the way) but, trust me, it is absolutely spot on! Driving over here is a real experience, fun for the most part, but the horn useage in a traffic jam is enough to drive you crazy!

You all know that I love exercise but what you don’t know is that I’m really clumsy so have every sympathy with each person in this video as I’ve done many similar things myself. I laugh at myself every single time but, unfortunately, I also laugh at other people when it happens to them – that’s Karma for you I guess…….

Have a great weekend everyone.

Lisa

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