Hope

Envisioned by those few holding their souls open

In a World where omnipresent fear’s breeding closed minds.

Four letters that are formed from the ashes of

Horror, Oppression, Persecution, Enslavement

One word, spoken with tender persuasion, heard

Above the cacophony of maimed, desperate voices

Envisioned by those few holding their souls open

In a World where omnipresent fear’s breeding closed minds.

 

Lisa x

FOWC: Hindsight

A cruel jest

Or a path to precious learning

A spiteful taunt

Or a route to ultimate peace

A cruel jest

Or a path to precious learning

A spiteful taunt

Or a route to ultimate peace

A mocking jibe

Or a comprehension of self

A cosmic joke

Or a recognition of error

A greener field

Or mastery of a pasture new

A life regret

Or subtly crafted momentum

This is hindsight

A curse or a gift? Up to you.

Written in response to another artful prompt from the fantastic Fandango.

Lisa x

 

You Come for Me

Each morning, from afar, dispelling the gloom

I step gratefully into your warm embrace

Leaving behind the loneliness of last night

I look for you to cleanse my soul, aching heart

Each morning, from afar, dispelling the gloom

I step gratefully into your warm embrace

Leaving behind the loneliness of last night

I look for you to cleanse my soul, aching heart

From pain, from memories of deep, lasting loss

You rise, rise,slowly spreading your healing light

I bask in each glorious ray that shines on me

Cling on to the end, when you fade. You leave me

To the company of fears in my silent room

I watched the sun rise this morning and it was absolutely magnificent, it also prompted me to write this…

I hope you all have a day filled with sunshine :O)

Lisa x

If Only…..

How many times have you said those two words to yourself or to someone else? Hundreds of times? Thousands? When you watch a film or read a book, do you think, for example, ‘If only he had gone to the bus park that day, he would never have lost her’. Have you ever said ‘if only’ before an event or during? No, of course not, it’s something we say with hindsight and hindsight is always 20/20 isn’t it?

How many times have you said those two words to yourself or to someone else? Hundreds of times? Thousands? When you watch a film or read a book, do you think, for example, ‘If only he had gone to the bus park that day, he would never have lost her’. Have you ever said ‘if only’ before an event or during? No, of course not, it’s something we say with hindsight and hindsight is always 20/20 isn’t it?

Pretty much all of us have grown up with books, films and TV series which deliver ‘if only’ as an absolute; if only she hadn’t gone up to the attic she’d still be alive, if he hadn’t picked up that slipper he’d never have found the love of his life. We are served a never ending diet of black and white, two narrow paths, one which leads to a perfect life and the other which leads to ‘if only’. Is it any wonder that give ourselves such a hard time over the decisions that we make? We have seen the unfortunate consequences of making the ‘wrong’ decision too many times and often can’t see past black or white when, in real life, there are many shades of grey (at least 50 apparently).

The thing is, we never really give much thought to what the outcome could have been if the ending of the story wasn’t ‘perfect’……..

What if Jesus had sent Judas packing with a flea in his ear so he couldn’t betray him for 30 pieces of silver? Would Jesus have saved himself untold suffering? Yes. Would Christianity as we know if today exist? Probably not. Jesus could have ended up living a perfectly happy life with a wife and children, carried on with his teachings for a while and then drifted into obscurity. He followed the difficult path, the one that we would never follow if we knew the outcome: torture and a slow lingering death.

CinderellaOn a more frivolous note, what if Cinderella took off her rose coloured glasses 10 minutes after the wedding and realised that the castle was cold and draughty, her prince, though handsome, was mind numbingly dull and the glass slippers gave her blisters? Not quite the happy ending that we’ve all been brought up with is it?

The fact is that we can ponder decisions for days, weeks or even months. We can run every possible scenario through our minds, looking for the black or white answer that we see on the big and small screens and in our favourite books but we will never find it. We cannot fast-forward our lives to see the outcome, to see if we win or lose. We could decide to buy lottery tickets with the last of our money and win millions, lose all our friends, party too hard, marry someone stunning only to have them cheat on us and end up crashing our Ferrari out of our head on drugs. Alternatively, we use the money to buy food to keep ourselves going for another day, find out the store keeper needs an assistant, work for him and serve green beans to the woman who ends up being the love of our live. On the other hand, we see a starving child, turn to give them the money and get run over by a bus.

Never-regret-anything1.jpgThere are a million different scenarios and, if we try to plan for or even think about all of them we’ll go crazy so make the decision and forget it, follow the path and don’t look back. Life is not about fairy tale endings, goodies and baddies; when we say ‘if only’ we are looking backwards with regret, wouldn’t we be better served to enjoy the now? Black and white is not reality, enjoy the shades of grey……….

Lisa

x

 

3 Day Quote Challenge: Day 1

Isn’t the blogging world a lovely place! I am super excited to have been tagged by the charming and talented Nina over at The Cozy Pages; I am so happy that she stumbled across my blog and that I found hers. Please, please take a trip over there soon, especially if you’re a dedicated bookworm, and check out all the great stuff.

Isn’t the blogging world a lovely place! I am super excited to have been tagged by the charming and talented Nina over at The Cozy Pages; I am so happy that she stumbled across my blog and that I found hers. Please, please take a trip over there soon, especially if you’re a dedicated bookworm, and check out all the great stuff.

So, important stuff first, these are the Rules:

  • Thank the person who nominated you.
  • Post a quote for three consecutive days (1 quote for each day).
  • Share why this quote appeals so much to you.
  • Nominate 3 different bloggers for each day

I wasn’t sure whether to use this quote or not as it has a very special bitter/sweet meaning for me but here goes…..

When my husband was diagnosed with cancer we looked everywhere for inspiration, for things that would help us in the struggle that we knew we would have to face and we stumbled across Ajahn Brahm. He’s a Cambridge educated, English Buddhist Monk who passes on his wisdom in Australia, in person and, with the rest of the world on Youtube:

 

I took to listening to him because he can be very funny but also because, through his Buddhist teachings, he gave me a different perspective of a truly heart-breaking situation. One of his messages really resonated with me and I shared it with my husband:

“This too shall pass”

Whatever we are going through in life, whether it be happy or sad, it will end. For both of us, this message both comforted and inspired us: we knew that whatever pain and suffering my husband was going through, it would end and, whatever time we had left together, it would end…….

3 months after he was diagnosed we went to Mauritius, one of the most beautiful places on earth and, although my husband was in pain much of the time, we made sure that we enjoyed every single moment. We did all the things that we wanted to do and we spent every moment of every day just loving each other and our life together.

That Christmas he bought me a set of three gold rings and one of them was engraved with the words:

“This too shall pass”

Despite being seriously ill and constantly in discomfort he had taken the time to have the rings specially made for me (I just can’t stop the tears from falling….) just to make sure that I would always remember that neither happiness nor suffering will last forever…

His pain and suffering ended 4 months later and I know that, one day, mine will too. In the mean time I try to remember that the chance I have to live life and enjoy everything it has to offer will one day pass………

Lisa

x

 

By The Time…..

This is the only moment in your life when you saw what you saw, heard what you heard,  felt what you felt and looked how you looked; in the next moment at least one of those things will have changed.

……..that you’ve finished reading this, the moment will have passed and it will never come again. This is the only moment in your life when you saw what you saw, heard what you heard,  felt what you felt and looked how you looked; in the next moment at least one of those things will have changed.

This is life and, whatever is happening in this moment will pass and never come again….

If times are bad, don’t despair, they will pass; if times are good embrace them with your very being because they will not come like this again….

Live. Life.

Lisa

x

The Hardest Battle….

We were given the right pair of glasses to view the world through – they weren’t rose tinted and they weren’t dark and sombre shades either, they were perfectly, beautifully, CLEAR. We all learned that, whatever happens in life, it’s how you view it and process it in your own mind that will make the difference – your experiences are based on your perceptions…..

Is the one that we fight with ourselves. Every day. We all look for help, in one way or another but, essentially, only we have control over the way that we view the World and our own lives. Often the way that we speak to ourselves i.e. our own thoughts, have far more impact on our emotions than the words spoken or the actions taken by others.

My battle was with depression and I suffered with it and, more importantly, because of it for about 15 years. It started with, of all things, an appendectomy which resulted in a hospital stay for a few days and then a week recuperating at home…….and that was where I stayed for the next year, too anxious to go out. I saw psychiatrists and psychologists, I spoke to my friends and family and anyone else who would listen, effectively I talked about myself for about a year. It seemed strange to me, even at the time, that all of this analysing and navel gazing wasn’t actually changing anything, if anything it was making it worse. The more I turned my problems over and over in my mind, the worse they became and so I turned to pills, Prozac to be precise.

The medication helped insomuch as I didn’t have the terrible lows that had driven me to contemplate suicide but I also didn’t get any ‘highs’, never really felt happy or full of life. This carried on for a long time and the people that loved and worried about me were incredibly caring, they pampered me, walked on egg shells around me and made me feel the way that I had always wanted to feel: special. Depression, something wholly negative had given me, in my mind, something wholly positive. It’s something that I’ve only realised in the last couple of years and it’s a hard thing to admit but there is something addictive about being sad because of the reactions that it brings out in other people namely sympathy and understanding. Of course, the problem with that is that it doesn’t last, after a while anyone close to me got fed up with it and wanted to know why I couldn’t pull myself together and why I was feeling sorry for myself all the time.

This wasn’t what I wanted, why were people being so mean all of a sudden? Couldn’t they see I was suffering? Where was all the sympathy that made me feel so special? I was hurt and then angry and, as a result, I fell into a pattern of behaviour that made things even worse. I started to push people away; if someone was nice to me and let me drone on about all my problems, after a while I would turn on them and be cruel in some of the things I said – thinking back I think I was, subconsciously, hurting them before they could hurt me.

I don’t think I realised that I was becoming a complete bitch, I mean I must have known on some level, I’m not stupid by any means, but I think I saw it as a defense mechanism against the cruelty of others. Do you know what? It was funny, the more I pushed people away the less friends I had – how strange is that! That’s with hindsight, at the time it was just evidence that I’d been right about people all along – none of them really cared about me. This in turn justified my feelings of rejection and the inevitable sadness that went along with it. I was sad and no-one cared which meant I was more sad and pushed people away even further.

Two things happened to change all that: I was given a wake up call by my doctor and I met my future husband. The doctor basically showed me that I had two paths in front of me – stronger and stronger medication that would ultimately leave me zombie-like and emotionless (I should add here that that was my impression and not necessarily the reality) or I could chose to take back my life from depression and live it. I didn’t need depression any more because I had found the thing I’d always craved: love and I couldn’t face travelling down the other path, further into misery and sadness, because, quite honestly, it frightened me. I had had a glimpse of a place so dark, so lonely and terrifying that I couldn’t and wouldn’t take another step towards it….

As a result, I stopped taking any medication and I did everything I could to turn my life around. I stopped moping and started motivating myself into action. I listened to all 12, I think it was, of Tony Robbins self-help CD’s and I did what he instructed to the letter. Lo and behold, everything changed because I changed, who would have credited it! A few years later I went to two of his seminars in London, the first time with my friend and the second time with my husband and, guess what, ALL our lives changed….for the better. We were given the right pair of glasses to view the world through – they weren’t rose tinted and they weren’t dark and sombre shades either, they were perfectly, beautifully, CLEAR. We all learned that, whatever happens in life, it’s how you view it and process it in your own mind that will make the difference – your experiences are based on your perceptions…..

I didn’t know it at the time but I would need all this wisdom that helped me live such a happy and fulfilled life for more than 10 years….

Eight months before our 10th wedding anniversary, my husband was diagnosed with oesophageal cancer. We drew on all that we’d learned over the years and we were utterly determined to stay positive and fight this thing until we beat it. We had both heard stories of people who had beaten cancer with the right foods and the right mental attitude and we were the two most determined fuckers you could ever wish to meet! Sadly, despite all our best efforts (I say ours, my husband was the strongest person I’ve ever met and he never gave up) he lost his battle.

Afterwards I shut myself off from happiness and pleasure and I grieved and I worked. I spent hours in my office trying to find some semblance of my ‘normal’ life and, the rest of the time I sat at home and I cried; bitter, endless, heartbroken sobs. You could say that I had gone back to depression but, although the symptoms were similar, the cause was very, very different. Again, I thought about suicide but the one time I came close to it something stopped me; I was once again at that fork in the road and I chose the same path that I’d chosen before – life.

It wasn’t so easy this time for obvious reasons but I couldn’t go back to a life of depression whatever happened. I still have ‘bad’ days when I despair of ever regaining the happiness that I felt when my husband was alive (it’s almost like being back on Prozac again) but I don’t give up. I didn’t spend all those months watching him struggle to keep his grip on his life to just throw mine away. I’m still sad, I still cry but, even on the very fork of that crossroads I will still not follow the path that I know has no turnings and no way back.

Instead I look for inspiration, I look for pleasure in small things and I try never to ask myself the question ‘why is life so terrible’; it isn’t it’s a wonderful gift and I know that it won’t last forever. I choose not to be depressed, I chose life……..

We all need love so I’m sending mine to you. Lisa x

The bravest thing

Today

My thoughts are with anyone who has known loss and I hope that you will find your way back to happiness and peace

It’s 4 years ago today that I lost my lovely husband so the only thing I’m going to post today is this:

My thoughts are with anyone who has known loss and I hope that you will find your way back to happiness and peace. This song explains, far better than I ever could, the pain of grief but also the hope that eventually resurfaces, I hope that you like it.

Lyrics:

Once there was a gardener
Whose horse became a dream
It then became a nightmare
And nothing was redeemed
His heart was overshadowed
It yielded to the pain
Of lost and broken memories
Of love he’d spent in vain
There within the labyrinth
He bathed in vapours green
He poured his very essence
Into pools that can’t be seen
He fell into the precipice
By choice he entered through
Dark waters yet unspoken
Of a loss he could not bear to be true
His fate lay among the flowers
Of the desert morning stars
Uncharted lands and faithful hands
Beckon from afar
In time his eyes will open
And he will begin to see
The beauty of his innocence
Free from memory
His horse that was a nightmare
Will be a promise seen
No longer there a prisoner
He’ll realise his dream
And souls will join and be reborn
In the Eden of his heart
He’ll bring forth a light of unity
From which he will not part
Loving eyes will no longer
Pour acid on his soul
For forged within integrity
His horse becomes a foul
And there begins his reckoning
A freedom from the past
The pain in vain will dissipate
And peace will come to pass