What Do You Do For You?

How much of what you do is based on ‘ought’ or ‘should’? How much of your time is spent wondering how what you do will affect others? How often do you not do something that you would love to do in favour of doing something to please someone else? Is your first thought before wearing something, saying something, writing something ‘will they like it?’ If so, I have a question for you…..

How much of what you do is based on ‘ought’ or ‘should’? How much of your time is spent wondering how what you do will affect others? How often do you not do something that you would love to do in favour of doing something to please someone else? Is your first thought before wearing something, saying something, writing something ‘will they like it?’ If so, I have a question for you…..

Why?

Yes we all have to live as part of a society and without maintaining certain niceties we would find ourselves ostracized but why do we sacrifice ourselves on the alter of public acceptance? We all feel obligated to do certain things without having any desire to do them and sometimes that stems from kindness and generosity but what if it comes from a fear of rejection or criticism? What will ultimately be achieved if we seek to please others at the expense of pleasing ourselves?

To turn that around, what do we get from conforming with our perceptions of what others want? A compliment? Gratitude? Friendship? Love? The first two, almost certainly but do we really want our friends or lovers to fall for  the mask that we wear or our true selves? If our relationships are based purely on taking pleasure from seeing the joy on another’s face, aren’t we just living vicariously? Wouldn’t the relationship be better served from both parties feeling joy?

It may be that, if you live your life for you and reveal only your true self to others that you will lose friends or lovers along the way but if they loved you purely because you held up a mirror to their desires, have you really lost? We all make compromises along the way but if the thought of  ‘ought’ or ‘should’ gives you no pleasure, find something positive that you can take from the experience or don’t do it.

People tell us how to live and even how to die but, the funny thing is, they can’t do either of those things for us………..

A life without rules can be chaos but living by someone else’s rules is to live life as though it were a preview to something else, the trailer before the main event. When the final curtain descends, the crowd won’t be there to applaud your performance, you’ll be alone on stage; don’t then look around and wonder why all the scenery is for someone else’s play…..

What do you think? Is a selfless life the most rewarding of all or should we live for ourselves, without bringing any harm to others of course, because we will only ever have one crack at this? Let me know, I’d love to hear from you.

Lisa x

How to Stay Motivated

Do you find that some mornings you just wake up with a spring in your step and a song in your heart and, at other times, you just want to tell the whole world to bog off and leave you alone? Sometimes you’ll read an inspirational quote and send a virtual hug to the angel that posted it and other days you’ll read something similar and you’ll want to scream

Do you find that some mornings you just wake up with a spring in your step and a song in your heart and, at other times, you just want to tell the whole world to bog off and leave you alone? Sometimes you’ll read an inspirational quote and send a virtual hug to the angel that posted it and other days you’ll read something similar and you’ll want to scream:

“Oh just STFU with your bloody motivational crap! Just because you’re so bloody perfect! It’s not that easy for the rest of us mere mortals you know!”

Monk rockOf course you do, we all do. There are very few people in the world who are happy ALL the time and those that are can be inspirational and intensely irritating, in equal measure, to the rest of us. We may listen to the teachings and ancient wisdom of old men in orange robes who sit on rocks all day. We might read the autobiographies of the insanely rich and successful hoping to emulate and accumulate. Hours may pass as we watch video after video of people who have suffered things we can’t imagine but have overcome them all and now lead a blessed life. (Those can be the worst of all when you’re in the wrong mood because you just end up feeling guilty that you’re still pissed off with your boss at work when some other poor sod has lost everything and is still happy.)

We might really  try to be motivated and happy but still feel as though we never quite get in right. So, what can we do about it? Well, we could spend years sitting on a rock in orange robes waiting for spiritual enlightenment, fairly safe in the knowledge that, chances are, it will arrive at some point. However, that takes far more time and dedication than most of us are prepared to put in if we’re really honest with ourselves; for most people an hour alone with their thoughts is too much, let alone months or years on end. Added to that, rocks are pretty uncomfortable places to sit without specially constructed under garments!

We can emulate the great achievers in the World but, arguably, they are even more focused than the rock sitters. They are also, more often than not, uncompromising and ruthless in their approach to business and prepared to take massive risks in order to follow their dream; let’s face it, that’s not really true of most of us is it?

Inspirational dale carnegie quotes dale carnegie life dale carnegie books dale carnegie quotes daleOver the years I have read Dale Carnegie and yet I still don’t have that many friends and I can’t be sure I’ve ever influenced anyone. I’ve been to see Anthony Robbins (US life coach extraordinaire) which, admittedly did change my life but not to the point that I am living in a state of euphoria every day. I’ve listened to Osho and Sadguru for hours and hours on end but I am still not dripping with ecstasy on a regular basis. Why the bloody hell not? It’s not like I haven’t put in the effort over the years :O(

Could it be that I try too hard? Beat myself up when I don’t measure up to the standards of these people that I idolise? Is it that I believe my life is not full of rainbows and unicorns because I don’t deserve them? Do I hate myself for my own weakness when I let my negative emotions get the better of me?

What if…………oh forget it that’s just daft!………….but……..look…….here’s a thought:

What if we accepted ourselves for who we are and stopped trying to be like someone else?

What if we accepted that sometimes we’ll make mistakes and there’s no real reason to beat ourselves up?

What if we accepted that sometimes we’ll be miserable gits but, actually, that’s OK?

What if we accepted the fact that we do deserve to be happy and fulfilled?

What if we accepted that, sometimes, bad things will happen to us but, however bad they are, they won’t last forever?

What if we accepted that there is no such thing as a perfect life or a perfect human being?

I believe that the only real way to stay motivated is to accept that we will not always feel motivated and not to give a flying fig. What do you think? I’d love to hear from you.

Lisa

x

acceptance.jpg

What Do Women Really Want?

Why do we try so hard to understand other people? At the end of the day, if we are really, truly honest, we want other people to be like us – we get us, we’ve spent time with us and we know how we tick, we’re comfortable with us…….

The question that has plagued men since the dawn of time and one which, apparently, has never been answered to anyone’s satisfaction. Maybe it’s because men and women are intrinsically different or could it be just that we are all individuals and we don’t have the first clue what motivates each other but it’s easier to divide us into 2 categories rather than 7.4 billion?

Why do we try so hard to understand other people? At the end of the day, if we are really, truly honest, we want other people to be like us – we get us, we’ve spent time with us and we know how we tick, we’re comfortable with us…….

SerenityWe want to change everyone else to be like us and that’s why so many relationships fail and why there is so much conflict in our every day lives. We don’t like people who disagree with us, we look for people who think in similar ways, who like the same things, who conform to our view of ‘normal’.

We spend so much time putting people into categories that we forget that we are all just people – amazing, wonderful, flawed. Perhaps if we took like and dislike out of our vocabularies and just accepted others for who they are without trying to understand them we’d all be a whole lot happier.

What do women want? Exactly the same thing as men and every other living this on this beautiful planet – to be free and to be happy ;O)

x

Walking on Sunshine or Eggshells?

If you’ve done something kind for someone today, for no other reason than to see them smile, please share it with me and restore my faith in human nature. Have a wonderful day lovely people xxxxx

If you’ve done something kind for someone today, for no other reason than to see them smile, please share it with me and restore my faith in human nature………..

Today I am genuinely saddened by something truly wonderful. The sign above, which I imagined would be a fantastically uplifting start to someone’s working day, was posted on Twitter and accompanied by this comment:

“Thought of the day: why not take the time to sexually harass a stranger”

I had an entire post prepared on how this kind of self-victimisation in the name of feminism is damaging to the entire cause and women in general but instead I am just despairing that we may be losing all trust in each other and the desire to interact with strangers in case we inadvertently offend them.

So, instead of giving you my usual rambling insights I’m going to leave you with these thoughts instead and hope that the World isn’t becoming as cold and distant as I fear:

Kindness 1Kindness 2kindness 3

We all need to feel loved and, when we do we are free to love others. The problems in this World will never be solved by argument and criticism but only by acceptance and understanding.

 Have a wonderful day lovely people xxxxx

 

Call me old fashioned…….

My thinking, rightly or wrongly is that we are all just people: all different, all flawed and all wonderful.

As I’m getting older I seem to be reaching that point where I genuinely don’t understand some of the things that the younger generation (blimey I can’t believe I used that phrase!) get worked up about. Maybe it’s because we mellow as we get older or maybe we just realise that life is too short to get bent out of shape over other people’s opinions of us. For instance, I like to think of myself as being pretty open minded but I’m finding that I’m increasingly baffled by the Twitter war that seems to be going on between trans women and TERFs. For those of you who don’t know: a trans woman is a biological man who identifies as a woman and a TERF is Trans Exclusionary Radical Feminist. Trans women feel that, because they identify as women, they should have the same ‘rights’ as women and TERFs believe that trans women are, in fact, men and their quest for acceptance as women has a negative impact on biological women. This is my understanding based on what I’ve read but this whole debate really is an absolute minefield so I’ll apologise in advance if I inadvertently offend someone.

The whole thing has recently  blown up after JK Rowling, of Harry Potter fame, ‘liked’ a Tweet by someone. The Tweet was basically a complaint from a female Labour party member who said that ‘men in dresses’ got more support than she did. She didn’t write the Tweet, just liked it but this one small action prompted a barrage of abuse online:

JK Rowling is f**king TERF and thus should be treated as such, that is with disgust, disrespect, and hatred.

You’re a horrible person who hides under the facade of being an ally. F**k your TERF beliefs! F**k your support for an abuser! F**k your works’ lack of real diversity! F**K YOU!

I can see how offence could be taken if you feel that you were born into the wrong body and you want the world to recognise you as a woman but, before any reassignment surgery, the comment ‘man in a dress’ is factually, if not politically, correct. I remember reading the book “Tula: I am a woman” many years ago and it was the funny and very sad story of someone born into a male body but who absolutely believed that she was female. After gender reassignment surgery ‘Tula’ became a successful model and was even  Bond girl but no-one knew about it until she was ‘outed’ by the media. She kept her secret for years for fear of reprisals. Trans people, it seems to me, no longer really have to do that; in general people are far more accepting of choices concerning sexual orientation and gender identity than they ever have been; let’s face it, it wasn’t that long ago that it was illegal for men to be gay!
These days however, it seems as though people feel that acceptance has to be forced; they challenge others and demand that they accept their beliefs and are outraged when that doesn’t automatically happen. This tends to breed resentment from people who need time to understand the problems faced by those they consider ‘different’ from themselves; many people fear what they don’t understand and fear often leads to defensiveness and then anger. Box anyone into a corner with words and they’re likely to come out fighting!
trans periodsThis image was used in a campaign about periods and yes, it features a trans male. He says that he no longer has periods but sometimes still experiences the stomach pains that accompany them. This ad was used during transgender awareness week and apparently the campaign wants to challenge ‘period shame’. I’m not sure what ‘shame’ they’re referring to as women have been having periods since time immemorial (and there’s a reason why it’s called the curse!) but I do question the logic of including someone in an ad about periods when they don’t actually have periods. On top of that there is also the slight irony of including someone who has chosen to identify as a man in a campaign for something that only affects women…..NO! Stop! I had a feeling this would happen……that’s the sort of comment that trans women object to but it’s difficult to rethink the whole men/women thing when you’ve had little experience of anything else. Anyway moving on…..
Lily MadiganThen you have Lily Madigan who is a trans woman and gay (so a biological man who identifies as a woman but is sexually attracted to women; I really hope I’ve got that right). She is a women’s officer for the Labour Party at just 19 years old and is very active on the rights of trans women. She says on Twitter:
“You want to exclude trans women from women’s spaces and roles. You are a trans exclusionary radical feminist”
Enter the TERFs.
They feel that women have fought hard to get equality with men and that trans women taking on women’s roles and using women’s spaces (such as toilets) is somehow belittling or even mocking their achievements. My feeling on the subject of ‘roles’ is that the person who is best qualified to do the job should get it, regardless of their gender, colour, race, religion etc etc. Selecting someone to be politically correct or to fill a quota is just insulting for all concerned.
On the subject of toilets I’m slightly more ambiguous. I live in France and it’s quite common for women to use the men’s loo if the queue for their own is too long; if the area is made up of cubicles and not urinals there shouldn’t really be a problem.  Therefore, it also shouldn’t be a problem if a man, self identifying as a woman or not, wants to use the ladies loo. However, I do feel very slightly uncomfortable with the idea, not because of any radical feminist notions but just because, when women pee, they are vulnerable; it’s pretty difficult to make a run for it with your pants round your ankles! Saying that, why on earth would I ever have to make a run for it from a public toilet? Is this just an irrational fear based on pre-conceived ideas about the potential threat that men present to women? They are, typically, bigger and stronger and statistics tell us that violent crimes by men against women are far more likely than the opposite. However, when a man identifies as a woman does that mean that she will naturally have the gentler traits that are more common in women than men?
The fact is I have absolutely no idea because none of us knows what’s going on inside another person’s mind. The one thing I do know though is that separating ourselves into different little groups and demanding that we be accepted is not going to do much for equality which is a shame as that’s usually what people who separate themselves into little groups are after. My thinking, rightly or wrongly is that we are all just people: all different, all flawed and all wonderful.
gender chart