How Can I Help You….?

Have you ever been in a situation where someone was trying to help you but all they actually succeeded in doing was to take you to levels of frustration that made you want to rip off your own arm so you could knock yourself unconscious just to avoid being subject to their assistance for a single second longer?

Have you ever been in a situation where someone was trying to help you but all they actually succeeded in doing was to take you to levels of frustration that made you want to rip off your own arm so you could knock yourself unconscious just to avoid being subject to their assistance for a single second longer?

“Thank you for calling Bonkey’s Bank, your call is very important to us, please hold the line”

You call is important to us9 interminable minutes pass during which I am subjected to the same 12 bars of Greensleeves over and over again (surely this is musical torture?) whilst being repeatedly assured that I am very important and, when I finally get to speak to someone, they will be delighted to help me.

“Thank you for your patience, how may we help you today?”

Finally, right……

“If you would like to give us some more of your hard earned cash press 1”

“If you would like to buy some crappy insurance product that won’t ever pay out even if you’re rear ended by Donald Trump, please press 2”

“If you’d like to know how much of your money we have stashed away press 3”

“For anything else press 4”

“Thank you for your patience”

You’re welcome, look can………

“Please explain in a few words how we can help you today, for example ‘What is my current balance'”

“My card does not work”

“You have a problem with your card? Correct?”


“Please hold”

screamsIt’s at this point that I’m glad phones no longer have cords as I’d be gnawing my way through it by now..

“We will shortly put you through to one of our advisors but first please answer the following security questions:

“Please say the 19th and 42nd characters of your security password”

Ummm….hang on……..

“Do you need me to repeat the question?”

No, just wait, you’re putting me off

“Please say the 19th and 42nd characters of your security password”

N and !

“N and !?”


“Thank you”

“Please confirm the time of your birth for example ’04h 32m'”

Are you fucking kidding me with this??

“Would you like me to repeat the question”

No, no, wait… was…….19h 47m

“I’m afraid this does not match the answer that we have in our records, please hold…”

A further 8 minutes of white noise interspersed with “please hold”; apparently my call is no longer important…….

“Good morning my name is Brian, how may I help you?”

Are you real?

“Yes Madam, how may I help you today”

Great! Look, I’ve tried to use my card this morning but it’s not working”

“Ok, no problem I can help you with that, we just need to go through some security questions”

But I’ve just done that and I can’t remember the exact moment of my birth, I mean I was there obviously but…….

“OK, calm down Madame, I’ll find some other questions for you to answer”

Calm? I’m calm! God I need a coffee!

“Can you please give me the 14th and 33rd characters fromΒ  your password”

I’ve already done that one!!!

“There’s no need to shout Madame, were you asked exactly that question?”

Well no but it was still about my password and….oh forget it, hang on

Mental acrobats and a desire for 34 fingers ensues……

Hello, are you still there?……Hello….

“Yes Madame”

Right it’s G and *

“Correct, thank you”

Waves of relief roll off me….and then a slight sense of urgency….I really need to go to the loo

“Can you give me the date and amount of 1 direct debit on your account please”

Well not off the top of my head no


Oh bloody hell, wait a minute, I’ll need to log on to my account”

“Hello, yes right, I’m in! the 2nd of each month, Β£10 to Battersea Dog’s home”

“I know, did you see Crispin with that muffin yesterday, it was hysterical!”

Hello!!!! Excuse me Brian are you there?

“Yes Madame, I do apologise. That was correct and you have passed security, now how I can I help you today”

Finally! Yes, it’s about my card, it’s not working

“Ok, I’ll look into that for you now, please hold”

5 minutes of silence from Brian; I think I can hear Crispin in the background explaining the muffin situation but I’m not 100% sure………

“Hello Madame are you still there”


“Right, well it seems as though there was a suspected fraudulent transaction on your account yesterday and your card has been blocked”

Oh bloody hell!! How much did I lose?”


Excuse me?

“99p but obviously you understand we have to take matters of security very seriously indeed”

Yes, I get that but I can live with losing 99p, can you please just unblock my card for me, I need it

“I can’t I’m afraid Madame, I need to put you through to our fraud investigation department, please hold”

No, no….. wait…….. don’t you dare………oh sod it!

Not again.jpg11 minutes later, during which I assumed that Brian was discussing my 99p and Crispin’s muffin….

“Good morning Madame, my name is Tanya, how can I help you today”

You’ve blocked my card and I need it

“Ok no problem, I can help you with that; I just need to take you through some security questions”

WT actual F!! I’ve just been through all that……twice!”

“Madame, if you use that kind of language again I will terminate this call”

Right, OK, sorry, not your fault I know, give me the question..”

“Can you give me the 7th and 29th characters from your password please”

Fast forward 4 intensely frustrating minutes during which I was eventually proved to be myself…

“Ok, I’ve found that transaction, it was for iTunes”

Well that’s not fraud, I did download something yesterday

Small lap of honour around the living room (as much to take my mind off my aching bladder as anything else; I should not have had that coffee while I was on hold and I certainly should not have had the second one!)

“OK, Madame, well thank you for confirming that for us, we should have your new card with you within the next 3 working days”

WT…..sorry? New card?

“Well yes Madame, your card was blocked so we need to send you a new one”

Can’t you just unblock it?

“No I’m afraid not, it’s a question of security”

Bangs head repeatedly on door frame…….nope still conscious!

“Right OK, just send a new card then please. You do know I live in France right?”

“Um, oh yes, OK then that will be around 10 working days”

Need for a wee overides any desire to verbally flay robot person on the other end of the phone.

“Right. Ok. Thanks”

“Thank you Madame, is there anything else I can help you with today?”

Hysterical laughter and mad dash for the bathroom ensues………

Have a great day everyone :O)

Lisa x



Author: All About Life

Middle-aged 20 something

36 thoughts on “How Can I Help You….?”

  1. Oh LISA! That was hilarious. When you got to the bit about investigating you for fraud I almost collapsed with laughter. And no, that is NOT fair. This was SERIOUS for you, and modt especially for your bladder! Oh God, how I know this frustration. Can you imagine doing this when you are blind, too? Ha ha. Great write Lisa x

    Liked by 1 person

    1. If it made you laugh I’m happy 😊 it was one of those situations where I could see the funny side…..afterwards. I cannot imagine how much harder it would be for you in this type of situation! Have a great day Lorraine 😊

      Liked by 1 person

      1. Lol you should ha e been with me when I had to ring the Complaints Dept. Of the hospital one day. I wrote a funny piece about that too, but I don’t know where it’s gone. I SWEAR if I EVER hear that tune, daa dada da da daaa daaa once agin I will lose the will to love. Of COURSE in a tinkly tone designed to make you feel you have not got ca cer REALLY. Lol. I usually see the funny side too. Even of chemo! Ha!

        Liked by 1 person

      2. That’s a shame! If you find it again please post it as I’d love to read it 😊yep agree with you, I harbor a great resentment for the person who came up with the idea of on hold music πŸ˜‚πŸ˜‚


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